The second anniversary of late wife’s death

 This past week was the second anniversary of her death.  I remembered how terrible it was for a few weeks last October before Superman and I got married.  He did really well this year.  He has had a few weeks with really poor sleep and nightmares, which could be him dealing with it on a subconscious level.  Or he could be experiencing that because any other number of stressors we are facing currently – he is currently unemployed and our house is in foreclosure. 

We talked about the anniversary a bit because I brought it up.  Rather than feeling on edge about it, I thought it better to just see where he was.  He said that a few things still get to him sometimes, that he never got to say goodbye, the “what if” questions, and just the fact that it was an incredible trauma to lose his wife.  He didn’t go to the cemetary and hasn’t been since before we were married.  He states he likely won’t go for a few years until he takes Superboy there for the first time.

So all in all, pretty good, especially for a 2nd anniversary.

Interesting things his family posted on Facebook however.  I’ve pasted some things below (slightly edited).

Superman’s mom:  I am so grateful to her for sharing her son with us. He is such a wonderful little boy. She was a tremendous cook. Her faith was abundant even through her great trials. I imagine her today as “fabulous” as she always was here, as she would tell you. Please remember ”late wife” [edit] with me today……

Superman’s mom: I am remembering ”late wife” [edit] today. It is still such a sad day, but she is in my thoughts nearly everyday. I grew to have great respect for “late wife” [edit]. I appreciated her love for ”Superman” [edit] and the joy she had with “Superboy” [edit]. I wish he could know his mother.

 Superman’s dad: Today I was thinking of “late wife” [edit], Miss her cooking, she has my wife and I craving french onion soup but can never find any as good as hers.I was glad we got to spend vacation with her in San Diego I know she loved it.I know ”superboy” [edit] has a lot of her traits, I see her in him. She is deeply missed even though I know she is in better hands .

I feel so excluded and unliked by them, that it is hard to read the postings above without a bias.  My mother-in-law’s comments about how she loved Superman and how she wishes Superboy could know her result in my feeling like she does not appreciate how much I give to my family.  And it’s not that I need her approval, I just wish she didn’t disrespect me, compare me to the late wife, and just have general feelings of ill will towards me.

 

The other issue that my father-in-law’s posting illustrates is the issue of nature versus nurture.  For those of you who are not familiar it’s the argument that nature or genes determine outcome versus your social environment determining how one is.  He believes Superboy has many of the late wife’s traits.  First of all, I don’t see it at all.  He is absolutely 100% his father.  I knew late wife a bit, and she had a very laid back personality, Superboy does not at all.  Sometimes I fear that anything good that I contribute to his life is going to be seen as a trait of hers when it is really due to all that a mother pours into a child that in the end will have been done mostly by me.

 

I love fall, but I hate the anniversaries and issues it brings.  Soon the snow will fall and for a season this will all be left behind.

Making peace

Before my husband’s late wife passed away, I had a good relationship with her sister.  Her sister was 15 years younger than her (she was adopted) and I taught her Sunday School.  She always came to hug me when she saw me at church and would laugh and joke with me.

When it came out that I was dating her former brother-in-law, that all changed.  She ignored me for quite some time.  As my relationships with many people dramatically shifted at that time, I chose to let this one go and reminded myself that it wasn’t about me.  As hard as that is sometimes, it’s good to remember that people react because of their own emotional roller coaster and we do not need to get on that ride.

After Superman and I married, it was hard for her to figure out what all had happened.  She didn’t understand if Superman was still her brother, if I was now her sister, etc.  (She has some learning challenges).  One day at church she came up to me and asked a lot of hard questions that I could tell had been plaguing her.  She asked who was taking care of Superboy and I explained to her that I live with Superman and Superboy now and so I was taking care of him.  She asked a few more questions and said more or less that it had been hard for her since her sister passed away and seeing me be part of their family.  I listened to her with grace, as I could tell she was genuinely trying to work through everything that had happened and was not trying to dump on me.

That was probably about 7 months ago.  Since then we had talked at church more and she was back to coming to give me hugs.  A month or so ago, she shared with me that she was going to live with another sister out of state to go to a special high school.  Her mother came to me and asked if we could spend some time together before she left as a time to make things right before she left.

So we met at Perkins after work and I had dinner with the late wife’s sister and mother.  We had a pretty good time, talking about her move, about the silly things Superboy has been doing, and how her mother embarrasses her as a teenager.  When her mother stepped away to take a phone call, she said that Superman doesn’t talk to her as much anymore and that she misses how he and his late wife would spend time with her and make jokes.  To some degree I have noticed that at times she tries to put me in that role, although I never fulfill that role in any way that doesn’t feel true to who I really am.  I listened and the subject passed.  She is gradually forming her new reality and beginning to understand how things will be now.

I was touched by her gesture of peacemaking, and glad that she could have more closure before she moved.

Christmas with the in-laws

So I’ve so far survived the first Christmas with the in-laws.  We’ve been here 2 and a half days.  It’s interesting, to say the least.  When Superman’s brother arrived, he didn’t even say hi to me.  And Superboy latches on to Grandma like a lifeboat leaving the Titanic and acts like mommy and daddy are the iceberg.

As for my relationship with them, I know they loved Superman’s late wife, but for the most part they are decent towards me.  I feel left out when I am here.  Superman’s mother gives attention to Superman’s brother’s girlfriend, making sure she feels comfortable, but minimally makes attempts towards me.

I must say though, I was very touched by a gesture of his father.  Superman was outsourced from his job a little under two weeks ago.  We hadn’t told his family until we arrived here for Christmas.  While my husband ran out to the store, his dad came and gave me a check for $500, and started tearing up saying his son always seemed to be so down on his luck and it didn’t seem fair.  He told me to let them know if we needed anything, and not to wait until it got too late (ie electric shut off).  He’s a tough guy, was in the marines, yet to see him tear up about his concern for his son and to reach out to me . . . well, it almost made me cry.  He also gave me a hug at the wedding when my mother-in-law was so enraptured by Superboy she barely said a thing.

On the other hand, they let Superboy get away with everything, even though we as his parents try to set boundaries while we are visiting.  They let him grab a ceramic ornament that he dropped and broke, luckily he didn’t cut himself.  They also let him play with the phone and he dialed 911 and the police showed up here.  They also kept him up until 11:30.  We told them he needed to go to bed, and because of the sleeping arrangements here, there is only room for him in their room.  So he doesn’t go to sleep and is incredibly crabby.  He threw up yesterday and needs his rest, but they don’t listen to what we believe he needs to do to take his nap.  Sometimes it feels like I’m living out one of those nanny shows on television.

There have been some improvements.  We played cards for a while yesterday and we almost resembled a normal family for a while.  I’m looking forward to going home so I can have my son back.  Since his grandmother had him for a year, he latches on to her and shuns his mommy and daddy.  At times I feel like I need to birth a child to have a positive motherhood experience (and we plan to have one in the future).  It just hurts sometimes.  I know he’s 2, and he’s had a LOT of changes in his life, and it will get better.  I just look forward to the day we feel less like a blended family and more like a seamless family.

We gave Superman’s parents a digital photo frame, and he loaded a bunch of pictures of Superboy on it.  We got it plugged in and wouldn’t you know the first picture that pops up is one of the late wife holding Superboy.  Superman’s mom teared up and reached out to hold Superboy immediately.  I felt really uncomfortable.  For our first Christmas here, and their second Christmas since she passed, I know it could have been much worse. 

It’s just going to take time until I feel like I’m part of this family.  I’m looking forward to Christmas with my family next week.  Currently we are snowed in at my in-laws.  Hopefully the plows work their magic soon so we can get home!

dealing with both sets of in-laws

I’ve decided that being with a widower is sort of like having two sets of in-laws.  I know we aren’t married yet, but anyway . . . future in-laws.

So I ended up going to Superman’s house on the day the late wife’s family was coming to see Superboy.  I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about being there; I wondered if I should leave before they arrived and I was pretty nervous.  They were originally supposed to come for lunch, but they called and asked if they could come around 3:30.  I don’t know why they wouldn’t take every opportunity to spend time with Superboy and come earlier in the day, but I probably shouldn’t go there.  Superman’s parents leave in the late afternoon to go back, so essentially they were only going to get an hour with Superboy.

Well, time ticked on, and they didn’t arrive until 4.  Superman’s mom, always the peacekeeper, was even getting a little irked that they were not making more of an effort to see Superboy.  They hadn’t spent time with him in 2 months – and then only have a half an hour with him?

So when they arrived, Superman’s parents and I kind of hung back a little so that Superboy would actually go to them instead of just running to us.  I brought Superboy towards the front door, and he hung back and was pretty shy.  His aunt picked him up after a few minutes and he began to cry.  Her daughter (who is 4) started saying over and over “He’s crying because he misses his mom!”  I’ve never had such ill will towards a 4 year old, even though I know she probably doesn’t know what she’s saying!!!  I almost wanted to go over there and take him and say, “No, he’s crying because he doesn’t know you!”  But of course I didn’t.

After she said it twice I went out to water the flowers.  I couldn’t stay outside because I ran out of things to do, so I went inside and just hung back and talked with Superman’s dad.  I felt so awkward being there.  They said hi to me, but I felt like an outsider.

After a half an hour, we said goodbye to Superboy and Superman’s parents, but the late wife’s family stayed.  They were all standing outside, chatting it up with Superman.  While I’ve known them for years, I’ve definately felt distanced since I started dating Superman.  Superman’s late wife came up in various ways, of course, making me feel even more like an outsider.  I just stood there for a while, saying nothing.  And then since we were all standing by the flower bed, I knelt down and picked some of the weeds I was noticing.  I then gave some excuse about getting bitten by mosquitoes to go inside because I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.

But on the positivie side, they were nice to me.  There were no major blow ups.  Not bad for my first time really being present while they’ve been around.  What was rough was just my feeling of not wanting to be in the conversation when they were talking to Superman.  And also just feeling like they are notmy family so I don’t want to act like they are.  I will let Superboy spend time with them and deal with it for his sake, but I’m not related to them!

So for the other set of in-laws, the ones who really are going to be my in-laws. . .

We were talking about Superman’s grandmother needing to move in with his parents.  His mother insisted that he was going to take care of her when she was old (even though she was complaining about her mother moving in temporarily.)  Superman made some joke about us not doing anything for her, and she turned to me and said, “Well ______ (late wife) promised she would take care of me and cook for me.  You inherited that!”  I just smiled and continued to play with Superboy, trying to figure out how to respond.  I swallowed my knee jerk reaction of asserting that I am my own woman, as my relationship with his parents is so new, and I think she would’ve gotten really upset.  As a social worker – I know it’s all about building repoir before the real confrontation comes out! 

So it was kind of a rough day for me.  Superman and I talked about it after everyone left.  He confided its hard on him too.  He feels like everyone is fighting for a piece of his son.  He said that the late wife’s mother now wants him for a week, but has only spent about 4 hours total with him in 3 months.  She doesn’t know him well enough to care for him. 

This is going to take some time to get used to all of this and figure out how to assert myself while maintaining peace.

mixed emotions

This weekend was the weekend Superboy comes to town with his grandparents.  Every other week either Superman goes to see him or they come here.  It hurts him deeply that Superboy has to stay with them, but financially it isn’t possible for him to live here yet given the cost of daycare and how medical bills and other expenses wrecked havoc on his financial health.  He’s job searching constantly, and the plan is for Superboy to come back to stay hopefully during the summer.

So I got to spend time with my future son!  He’s getting so tall, nearly 21 months old now.  I can tell he’s getting more independent.  It’s hard for me to see how much he changes between visits and knowing I’m missing out on getting to know my son.  It’s also hard to see how his grandparents raise him (or don’t raise him) as I would do some things differently.  We got some quality time in with the 3 of us at the Children’s Museum yesterday.

Today was rough.  I wasn’t there in the morning, but I guess Superboy was having a rough morning as his molars are coming in.  When I arrived for lunch, he had settled down.  The whole time during lunch most of the attention Superman directed my way was negative.  I tried to not let it get to me and directed my attention to feeding Superboy and enjoying my last few hours with him.

After Superman’s parents left with Superboy to head back home, he asked me what was bothering me.  He had asked me earlier, but I avoided it as I didn’t want to get into that conversation with his parents home.  I was bothered that as much as he says he doesn’t like how his parents act, I see so much of them in him.  I told him I didn’t appreciate the negative jokes directed my way or that when his mother asked him if he’d checked the diaper he’s saying it was supposed to be my responsibility.  I told him that I didn’t like how he acts when his parents are around and I wonder if he’ll treat me like he treats his mother.  While I will admit, she can take some things a bit far, he does his own fair share to bug her and basically doesn’t listen to anything she says, even when it’s good.  I’ve heard that men will treat their wives like they treat their mothers.  After today, it doesn’t look so good for me.

So after sharing that, he elaborated on how difficult the morning had been and how he’s always fighting with his mother about how Superboy should be raised.  She caters to his every whim, which makes mornings difficult.  He then told me that his parents had been out to the cemetery, but had been unable to find the grave because it’s unmarked.  They had purchased a wreath to go on her grave and didn’t want to put it on the wrong one.  So while Superman’s dad (who was very annoyed with Superboy today) watched Superboy, Superman and his mother went to the cemetery.

I guess she had some issues with the late wife’s family in how they aren’t helping with the debt from the funeral expenses or medical bills or to even help get a headstone.  He said he told his mom what he wants to put on the headstone, and that it was difficult to share that.  I was really surprised there still was not a headstone……..and then felt guilty hours later when I thought of how him paying for that would be taking away from our building our lives together financially.

*big sigh*  So I’m upset with how he’s treated me, he’s greiving and I hate to see him in pain, his late wife’s family is stupid, I’m upset to see how Superboy is being raised, and I hate how distant Superman feels. 

He said he was just worn out.  He didn’t respond to anything I said about how he acts like his parents.  I don’t think he even apologized.  It’s so hard for me to see him like he was today when I left his house.  It was a mixture of pain, sorrow, and emptiness.  He told me he loves me as I left, which I know is true, I just don’t feel like it on days I know he misses her.