The first question

I knew the time was coming: the day my son would start asking about his birth mother.

We were sitting around the dining room table and had just finished up dinner when he came over to give me a hug.  He looked up at me and asked, “Are you going to turn into Momma Dina?”  I was so surprised, I asked him to repeat the question.  He used to call her momma and identified her in pictures, and that was the extent of what he would say.  He is almost 4.  Recently he spent the weekend with his maternal grandmother, aunt, and cousins.  His older cousin calls the late wife “Auntie Dina”, so I’m assuming he had a conversation with his cousin and that’s why he called her that.

I answered him and said, “No, Mommy is going to stay mommy just like you are going to stay you.”  That was enough for him and after his hug he kept moving.

Superman and I chatted about it and he wondered if he saw the big painting of him and his mother at his grandmother’s house where his birth mother is bald.  He may have been asking if I was going to lose my hair.  I discussed the importance of only answering the question presented by Superboy – if we try to force too much on him he won’t understand.  Questions show how much his little brain is ready for (although he is very smart, I’m guessing the next question won’t be far off!)

I’m so glad I didn’t react or attach more to his question than what it meant.  This journey may not be as hard as I feared.

I dreamed she was still alive

A few weeks ago, I had one of the most vivid dreams that Superman’s late wife was still alive.

In my dream, I was married to Superman and still pregnant.  It was like she had either been raised from the dead or had never passed.  She had her hair again.  She started talking to me and it was something to the effect of: “What am I going to do now that I don’t have cancer and you have my family?”  She wasn’t saying it maliciously, it was  a genuine inquisition of what her life would be composed of next.  It was almost like she was saying that she could not take them from me now that I had them as my family, but basically that I had taken everything that was anything to her in this life. I had known her while she was living and battling cancer as she and Superman were both members of my church.  Even though we were not close, but acquaintances that would speak every now and then, I know her personality to be very loving and caring, and she was saying these things in a voice that typified that type of personality.

Neither Superman nor Superboy were anywhere to be found in the dream.  She was not trying to get close to them.  While I was dating Superman I had vague dreams that were difficult to remember when I woke up, but it usually involved her still being alive and I was tossed to the side as the three of them went on to live their lives together as a family.

Maybe dreaming of her in this way signifies I’m feeling more sure of my place in this family, and her influence on me is fading.

Premarital Counseling

Superman and I started premarital counseling two weeks ago.  If you are considering marriage at all, it is a MUST!  I think it’s also a must to have counseling from someone who has a successful marriage.  My pastor is probably the best premarital counselor in the region, and it has been unbelievable.  What has been amazing (and difficult) is to have someone in the room that can moderate, translate, and correct while Superman and I are in some intense conversations.  My pastor knows both of us pretty well, so he also helps the two of us understand each other and he knows where our challenges are.

I talked about how I had lingering concerns about being second rate or second best.  I was finally set free from that feeling!  My pastor walked me through how Superman had been taking steps to make me number one.  He knew Superman’s late wife, and he said that if roles were reversed, and she was sitting in premarital counseling with Superman, she wouldn’t be thinking about me!  My pastor also said that I was the best woman for him.  He is very straight forward, and told me I need to get over Superman’s late wife’s death.

Which is true.  I can’t make it bigger than what it is.  I know I have some emotional and mental work to do in figuring out how I honor her place in giving birth to my future son and what role I will have in teaching him about her.  But as far as my role as a significant other/wife, I’ve got to move on.

how time flies

Yes…it’s nearly been a month since my last post.  So much has happened, I don’t know if I can fill you in on it all.  For those of you expecting regular posts – I’m sorry!  This blog is more about being a form of therapy, a place to sort things out.  I tend to do that when things aren’t going as well – and I find myself needing to do that today. (Somehow I need to find time to write about the happy stuff too so negativity isn’t my focus!)

So we’ve set a date!  We set it close to a month ago…it’s exciting and stressful all at once.  September 5th, 2008.  We both do not believe in long engagements – when you know, you just know.  I’ve got my dress, but not much else is planned.  It’s going to be a small ceremony with immediate family and friends, and a reception at our house following.  Just thought I’d update ya before I continue.

So the reason I’m writing today is I’m just not feeling like I’m doing well today.  My grandfather passed away last week, and I know that grief tends to make me hyper-sensitive. 

Last week Superman admitted that he was scared to marry me.  Not so much that he was scared of being married to me, but that there was no guarantee that I wouldn’t die.  He seems to have a hard time with long term plans, because he knows the stark reality that things could change in a flash.  Of course, in the middle of my grief, I heard that he was scared of being married to me.  Now I know it’s more of a fear of losing me.  We’ll be starting premarital counseling SOON.

I think what may be bothering me is reality is setting in for me.  I had been embracing so much being a mother, and then when Superman and I had our disagreement 2 months or so about that subject, I withdrew from Superboy emotionally and mentally.  Everytime my mind started to go there, I stopped myself as to protect myself from being hurt.  So instead of jumping to take care of him when I’ve been around Superman, Superboyand Superman’s parents, I’ve let Superman and Superman’s mom do a lot.  I’ve still played with him, but I’ve really been letting Superboy seek me out or Superman give that invitation.

Now Superman’s starting to call me Mommy to Superboy again.  Not all the time, but probably 50% of the time.  I think I may be scared to be a mother.  I don’t know if pregnant mothers ever go through this, but I’m starting to think of what the every day reality is going to be, and I’m wondering if I’m cut out for it.  I’m afraid I’ll be with him in a few months and something may happen where he’ll be inconsolable screaming for his grandmother (whom he calls “ma” right now) and I won’t be the one he runs to.  Only she’ll no longer be there and I’ll be powerless to do anything with a sobbing toddler.

I also believe that my grief has been magnifying everything.  The smallest things Superman has been doing has been getting to me, and I know logically it isn’t a big deal.  Like commenting on my hair – the other day he said something about keeping it off my face so people could see my beautiful face and I got upset thinking he didn’t like my hair.  Totally illogical, but it irked me nonetheless.  He also deleted the picutres off his digital camera after downloading them to his computer, and I had wanted to download them to mine as well.  There were also some of me in my wedding dress I didn’t want him to see, and had forgotten they were on there, so I got really upset that he saw them briefly.

As I’m writing this, I’m wondering if it’s upsetting me so much because I want to be able to keep some traditional aspects of the wedding and fearing I may get cheated out of something since this is not his first wedding and marriage.  One of those aspects would be not seeing the bride in the dress before the big day.  Hmmm….something to ponder.

Well, before this gets too long, I should get going.  Much to consider and work out.  In the midst of it all, I still believe that when it all comes down to it, things are going to be great.  I know this is the most difficult time, but I can’t get too bogged down in the negative.