Facebook Surprise

So I was on Facebook today and noticed Superman became a fan of the group “Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Team in Training”.

I don’t know how to feel about it.  The late wife died from complications with leukemia.  When she had been in remission, she trained to run a marathon to raise money for research.  This Facebook group is the one I believe she was associated with.

It makes me wonder – why is he joining this group now?  Was he thinking about her today?  Did he just happen to notice a friend joined the group so he just did it with a click of a mouse? Or did he go looking for it?

It’s funny how small associations or things that remind me of her can make me feel so unsettled.  I probably should mention something in casual conversation.  I just don’t want to cause contention.  Sometimes when I get insecure about something and I bring it up it just makes things worse.  We shall see.

…and it had been going so well

Today wasn’t a good day.  I’m glad it’s just about over.  I’ve been dealing with some family and work issues as of late, and a few minor things happened with Superman that ended blowing up into a phone conversation cut short.

Since I was already on edge today, things that I may not have noticed or been bothered by were more pronounced to me today.  He’s also been going through some things, and was talking to me about some of his work problems and how he wished his life could be “normal” for a while.  He started describing what that would look like, and it included coming home to his son, but I wasn’t mentioned at all.  During that conversation, I did what I could to support him, mentally paused when I realized I wasn’t part of his normalized ideal life, but did my best to let it go. 

Later in the conversation we were discussing a mutual friend who had a baby.  I said that I had expected to find out sooner than I did after she was born, as we are close friends.  Superman went on and on about how things were when he and his late wife had Superboy, how exhausted they were and used his lengthy discussion of his experience only to explain why I didn’t find out about this friend’s baby sooner.  This is the part of the conversation that triggered me.  I didn’t want to hear about him and his late wife’s experience together.  I don’t even know if any of my thoughts were actually conscious, but later when I was telling him what was bothering me, I said that it bothers me sometimes that he’s had all his firsts with another woman.  He said, “Do you think I’m so shallow that the birth of our child won’t be special?”  I told him it’s not that – I don’t want to be going through the pregnancy, birth, etc. hearing “When we had Superboy . . .” when I’m not part of the “we”!  He said I’m projecting something that hasn’t happened yet.  He got really upset and then focused on how I said that it bothered me a little that I wasn’t part of his description in the normal life he wanted, which in the grand scheme of what I wanted to tell him was not all that important to the story.

I’m just disappointed that my confidence and comfort level with our relationship was so short lived (not saying I’m not going to recover it).  Lately he told me he thought I’d been doing well dealing with the widower stuff with the exception of Mother’s Day.  Guess I changed his thoughts on that today.

What I wanted to tell him and never got the chance to, was that in the context of the above two topics, he kept a little bit of a distance from me tonight at church.  Sometimes we hold hands during service and he didn’t take any of my hints that I was throwing his way this evening.  Right after I typed that, I thought, my goodness, I sound like I’m in high school.  At any rate, usually I don’t have to work for his attention, and I felt like it wasn’t there tonight.  I didn’t know why, and unfortunately it made me a touch insecure.  It didn’t make it any better that he was ready to take off as soon as church was done.

In the past, he was almost desperate for my attention.  It may have been the intensity of his loneliness, and possibly its a good sign that he’s not bothering me to be with him every second?  I guess I got used to being asked to get tea or dessert or appetizers after church that now when he doesn’t ask on a regular basis, it makes me feel less desired. 

For those of you familiar with the stages of grieving (see links under header Articles for more on the stages of grief), I had talked with someone who believes that Superman and I started dating while Superman was in the bargaining stage.  The theory is this resulted in him trying to quickly create a new good life since the life he had with his late wife fighting cancer was so difficult.  It caused him to desire to spend all of his time with me and do what he could to create the “perfect” relationship (I’ll elaborate on that in a future post).  So now that he has moved through that stage, I’m still remembering the behavior of that stage and interpreting it as the way he is normally in relationships, when it really isn’t.  Simplified – he used to want to spend a LOT of time with me and now he doesn’t want to spend as much so I feel slightly insecure about the relationship when really its a good sign because he’s gotten through more of his grief.

It’s hard for me to say if that theory is correct or not.  I’m probably too tired/exhausted/drained to tell.  He’d likely be horrified to know I’d analyzed it this much – at times he says I try to “social work” him (I am a social worker), but I swear it’s not the case.  I do so much of it in my day job, I’m not trying to make him a client!

I hope and pray tomorrow’s a better day.

mixed emotions

This weekend was the weekend Superboy comes to town with his grandparents.  Every other week either Superman goes to see him or they come here.  It hurts him deeply that Superboy has to stay with them, but financially it isn’t possible for him to live here yet given the cost of daycare and how medical bills and other expenses wrecked havoc on his financial health.  He’s job searching constantly, and the plan is for Superboy to come back to stay hopefully during the summer.

So I got to spend time with my future son!  He’s getting so tall, nearly 21 months old now.  I can tell he’s getting more independent.  It’s hard for me to see how much he changes between visits and knowing I’m missing out on getting to know my son.  It’s also hard to see how his grandparents raise him (or don’t raise him) as I would do some things differently.  We got some quality time in with the 3 of us at the Children’s Museum yesterday.

Today was rough.  I wasn’t there in the morning, but I guess Superboy was having a rough morning as his molars are coming in.  When I arrived for lunch, he had settled down.  The whole time during lunch most of the attention Superman directed my way was negative.  I tried to not let it get to me and directed my attention to feeding Superboy and enjoying my last few hours with him.

After Superman’s parents left with Superboy to head back home, he asked me what was bothering me.  He had asked me earlier, but I avoided it as I didn’t want to get into that conversation with his parents home.  I was bothered that as much as he says he doesn’t like how his parents act, I see so much of them in him.  I told him I didn’t appreciate the negative jokes directed my way or that when his mother asked him if he’d checked the diaper he’s saying it was supposed to be my responsibility.  I told him that I didn’t like how he acts when his parents are around and I wonder if he’ll treat me like he treats his mother.  While I will admit, she can take some things a bit far, he does his own fair share to bug her and basically doesn’t listen to anything she says, even when it’s good.  I’ve heard that men will treat their wives like they treat their mothers.  After today, it doesn’t look so good for me.

So after sharing that, he elaborated on how difficult the morning had been and how he’s always fighting with his mother about how Superboy should be raised.  She caters to his every whim, which makes mornings difficult.  He then told me that his parents had been out to the cemetery, but had been unable to find the grave because it’s unmarked.  They had purchased a wreath to go on her grave and didn’t want to put it on the wrong one.  So while Superman’s dad (who was very annoyed with Superboy today) watched Superboy, Superman and his mother went to the cemetery.

I guess she had some issues with the late wife’s family in how they aren’t helping with the debt from the funeral expenses or medical bills or to even help get a headstone.  He said he told his mom what he wants to put on the headstone, and that it was difficult to share that.  I was really surprised there still was not a headstone……..and then felt guilty hours later when I thought of how him paying for that would be taking away from our building our lives together financially.

*big sigh*  So I’m upset with how he’s treated me, he’s greiving and I hate to see him in pain, his late wife’s family is stupid, I’m upset to see how Superboy is being raised, and I hate how distant Superman feels. 

He said he was just worn out.  He didn’t respond to anything I said about how he acts like his parents.  I don’t think he even apologized.  It’s so hard for me to see him like he was today when I left his house.  It was a mixture of pain, sorrow, and emptiness.  He told me he loves me as I left, which I know is true, I just don’t feel like it on days I know he misses her.