Making peace

Before my husband’s late wife passed away, I had a good relationship with her sister.  Her sister was 15 years younger than her (she was adopted) and I taught her Sunday School.  She always came to hug me when she saw me at church and would laugh and joke with me.

When it came out that I was dating her former brother-in-law, that all changed.  She ignored me for quite some time.  As my relationships with many people dramatically shifted at that time, I chose to let this one go and reminded myself that it wasn’t about me.  As hard as that is sometimes, it’s good to remember that people react because of their own emotional roller coaster and we do not need to get on that ride.

After Superman and I married, it was hard for her to figure out what all had happened.  She didn’t understand if Superman was still her brother, if I was now her sister, etc.  (She has some learning challenges).  One day at church she came up to me and asked a lot of hard questions that I could tell had been plaguing her.  She asked who was taking care of Superboy and I explained to her that I live with Superman and Superboy now and so I was taking care of him.  She asked a few more questions and said more or less that it had been hard for her since her sister passed away and seeing me be part of their family.  I listened to her with grace, as I could tell she was genuinely trying to work through everything that had happened and was not trying to dump on me.

That was probably about 7 months ago.  Since then we had talked at church more and she was back to coming to give me hugs.  A month or so ago, she shared with me that she was going to live with another sister out of state to go to a special high school.  Her mother came to me and asked if we could spend some time together before she left as a time to make things right before she left.

So we met at Perkins after work and I had dinner with the late wife’s sister and mother.  We had a pretty good time, talking about her move, about the silly things Superboy has been doing, and how her mother embarrasses her as a teenager.  When her mother stepped away to take a phone call, she said that Superman doesn’t talk to her as much anymore and that she misses how he and his late wife would spend time with her and make jokes.  To some degree I have noticed that at times she tries to put me in that role, although I never fulfill that role in any way that doesn’t feel true to who I really am.  I listened and the subject passed.  She is gradually forming her new reality and beginning to understand how things will be now.

I was touched by her gesture of peacemaking, and glad that she could have more closure before she moved.

Another Loss

Another reason I had not been posting much over the last few months is because I was pregnant. Yes, was.  At the end of  April I miscarried my first child at approximately 12 weeks.

The pregnancy had been rather difficult from the beginning.  Almost as soon as we realized I was pregnant, I began spotting.  So after several tests, ultrasounds, and worried nights, the doctors determined the baby was ok.  They assured me many women bleed in their first trimester.  One of the most magical moments was when the baby was about 6-7 weeks, we saw and heard his heartbeat.  It’s somewhat weird being a mother, but not ever having carried a baby inside me.  The process my body was going through was just amazing to me.  As crazy as it may sound I was starting to feel like I was going to be a real mother.

Then the bleeding intensified.  I called a nurse in a panic, she advised me to take it easy and said bluntly, “At this point, whatever’s happening is happening, you can’t do anything to change it.”  Still I hoped for the best.  The next day it got worse and I told my husband we were going to the ER.

Because of Superman’s late wife battling cancer and being in and out of the hospital, I’ve always hated the idea of bringing him to the hospital or doctor, almost fearing it would trigger something in him.  As we sat eating breakfast before we left for the ER, the look on his face made my heart sink.  I asked him what he was thinking.  He said, “I don’t want to go through this again.”  He had lost a baby with his late wife.  I almost decided to go the ER alone, but we headed out the door with Superboy in tow and went to the same hospital he lost his first child at.

I went through a painful physical exam and then an ultrasound.  I hated that they wouldn’t let me see the screen.  I just wanted to see my baby.  We waited and waited for the doctor to return to give the results.

Even writing this two weeks later is difficult.  After he said that the baby only measured at 6 weeks and there was no cardiac activity I don’t remember much else.  I know I started sobbing and my husband moved closer to me to try to comfort me.  Superboy kept asking, “What’s wrong with mommy?  Why’s mommy crying?”  After signing some papers we headed out the door.

Superman was incredibly supportive, he offered to call my mother as I didn’t want to talk at all.  He really was amazingly strong and supportive those first few days.  It’s having more of an effect on him now, I’ll elaborate in future posts.

I don’t know if other WOWs have experienced this, but somehow I thought I’d be immune to some of these loses myself.  As if since my husband already lost a wife (and a baby) that God wouldn’t put him through it again.  I guess miscarriages aren’t like lightning.  They can strike in the same place twice.

am I to be mommy or aren’t I?

I’m not quite sure how to start this post, I’m still in quite a bit of pain.  I feel the need to get this out.  It’s regarding Superman and his view of my relationship with Superboy.

It actually started a few days ago when we were at the home improvement store.  He was looking at paint and such to decorate Superboy’s room.  It felt sad to me that he was not letting me be a part of it at all.  Lately I’ve been feeling like this boy is going to be my first child, and I’ll already have missed out on the first 2 years of his life, which makes me want to be a part of as much as I can.  Since I will be his mother and we plan for me to officially adopt him, I want the opportunity to do the things that mothers do.  With him currently living 4 hours away, one of the few things I can do is prepare his room for his return.

I brought this up with Superman, and he thought I was overstepping my bounds and being crazy.  From my perspective, since I’m going to be his mother, I’m going to jump in with both feet.  Not so from Superman’s perspective.  He is rigidly opposing me contriubuting to his room at all, stating he already has everything planned.  He said I was trying to be Superboy’s mother when I am not and that being a mother isn’t preparing his room and buying him clothes.  He said my only responsibility is to get to know his son.  We never really got that resolved, we just had to let it be.

So today he tells me that next weekend when Superboy is here that he’s planning to take him to the zoo.  I have a meeting in the morning, but he said I could come along if I get done in time.  Then Superboy has been invited to a birthday party, that I wasn’t sure I’d be invited to.  He said that I’d have to make plans for myself for Sunday because Superman was inviting the late wife’s mother over for dinner.

He then proceeded to tell me that I would not be coming with him on his next trip out of town to see Superboy.  It was like dropping two bombs at once.  So a few days ago, I’m told that my only responsibility, the only thing I’m allowed to do, is to get to know him.  Then I’m stripped of the opportunity to do so?

I told Superman that it hurt that I wouldn’t be able to spend time with Superboy, and that I felt like I was getting kicked out and being erased so that his late wife’s mother could spend time with him.  (I’m not saying she shouldn’t spend time with him).  He proceeded to tell me that I was acting like it was my right and priviledge to spend time with his son, when it was a privilege that was extended to me.  He said he has no obligation to allow me to see Superboy, and that he could chose to not let me spend any time with him while we are dating, but that he is allowing me to as a “shower” for me to gradually get used to being his mother instead of being thrown into the ocean after marriage.  He’s mad because he thinks I should just be supporting him in whatever decisions he makes about his son.  It scares me that he won’t listen to me at all even when we are married regarding parenting.  Maybe he’ll never refer to Superboy as “our” son.

I don’t get it.  If I am saying yes to this relationship, I can’t chose notto be this boy’s mother.  As you spend time in dating, wouldn’t that mean I have a right to spend some time with his son?  He almost made it sound like he could pull his son away from me at any given time.  And for the last few months, I’ve really been trying to get my mind in “mommy” mindset.  So it hurts because I’m growing in my love for Superboy.

I came home and wept hard.  I’ve felt a sense of loss and grief that I’ve missed the first part of his life.  I fear he’ll never run to me for comfort or call me mommy.  And now it seems as if Superman is withdrawing him from me.

It’s confusing, because when we’ve spent time together with the 3 of us, Superman has called me by my name to Superboy and he’s called me mommy to him.  Now I feel like I need to detach and withdraw myself to protect myself from this intense pain.  I feel so alone and wounded.  I’ve actually been looking forward to motherhood for a long time, I didn’t know my path towards it was going to be so complicated, twisted, and difficult.  I just want things to be normal, whatever that means.

I asked Superman if I’d get kicked out of the house after we are married and his late wife’s mother (I really should name her, I have a feeling I’m going to be talking about her a lot) come to visit.  The only response he had to that was that he was really upset and he would need to end the conversation.  I remember the last time she came, Superman’s parents removed all signs of me from the house and put all my pictures face down in his bedroom.  It took him 4 or 5 weeks to put any of them back up.  I wonder what drama will happen this time.