Facebook Surprise

So I was on Facebook today and noticed Superman became a fan of the group “Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Team in Training”.

I don’t know how to feel about it.  The late wife died from complications with leukemia.  When she had been in remission, she trained to run a marathon to raise money for research.  This Facebook group is the one I believe she was associated with.

It makes me wonder – why is he joining this group now?  Was he thinking about her today?  Did he just happen to notice a friend joined the group so he just did it with a click of a mouse? Or did he go looking for it?

It’s funny how small associations or things that remind me of her can make me feel so unsettled.  I probably should mention something in casual conversation.  I just don’t want to cause contention.  Sometimes when I get insecure about something and I bring it up it just makes things worse.  We shall see.

I don’t want to hear her name

For the last several months, Superman and I have been doing really well in regards to the whole “widower thing” (for lack of a better phrase).  I’d gotten past a lot of my insecurities, his grief was not apparent, and he even reported that he was getting his passion back.  He was feeling more productive, excited about his career, and planning for the future.

So I thought to myself “Yay! We’re through the worst!  Finally, I don’t have to feel claustrophobic in this relationship at all!”  I’d been moving in my stuff, and her presence wasn’t so strong in his house as we have been preparing for marriage and for me to move in.

This weekend, it’s like he can’t stop bringing up her name and stories relating to her.  It’s the “we used to . . .”  and “she did this” and I don’t want to keep hearing about her!  Especially since he hadn’t brought her up in a while.

So we went out to eat today, and after we sat down I realized I had sat in a place that allowed Superman to see the TV.  I said something about needing to learn how to position myself in a restaurant to eliminate the competitition from the TV.  He said that it’s a skill that will take me years to develop, and relayed how it took his late wife a long time to remember to look for TVs.  In the car on the way to the restaurant, her name came up in a story as well. 

We were about two thirds through our meal, and he offered for me to try some of his.  I did and thought it was much better than my food.  He insisted that we switch, and I agreed after he convinced me.  He began to say something and stopped.  I asked him to continue, and then he began to say how he’s used to it because his late wife always liked the food he ordered better.

I teared up, stopped eating, and thankfully the bill came soon after.  I asked why her name keeps coming up.  He said it was this time of year when he spoke with her for the last time before she was in the hospital in a coma.  (She died in October).

So I closed myself off, we rode home in silence.  He said that if we have to spend less time together in coming weeks, he’ll understand and he doesn’t expect me to hear all his reminiscing.  I feel like I need to protect myself, I wonder if his love for me is stronger than the love he feels for her.  I’m too afraid to know.  Here we are, on a journey towards marriage (were supposed to already be married!) and he’s talking about spending less time together!  Maybe it’s a good thing we aren’t yet married, because we would have had the first two months of marriage dealing with the anniversary of her being in the hospital, slipping into the coma, her death, and their wedding anniversary.

So he’s in the other room watching football, and I’m sitting in here typing.  Intellectually, I know it can and it will get better.  It will.  My emotions are screaming right now wanting to know if I’m destined for a relationship that is less than I want the rest of my life.  I’ve been in a lot of cognitive/emotional fights in my mind lately, and I know it’s the cognitive that needs to win.

preparing a place

As all women with widowers know, “her” stuff can be a source of irritation, pain, arguments, and . . . well, just general unpleasantness.  I have told Superman that the house needs to be in order with her stuff dealt with before I can move in, and with the wedding fast approaching I had been getting concerned.

Until he called me a few days ago and announced he’d prepared a place in the garage for my car.  Her car had issues, and had just been sitting there waiting for the late wife’s sister to pick up and fix.  Well, she hadn’t been following through, so he had it hauled out so I’d be able to park in the garage.

And then the next time I was at the house, he said he’d been working on sorting through her stuff and preparing the master bedroom.  I was pleasantly surprised, as it had been a little while since I had mentioned this issue.  So her stuff is finally cleared out of the shelf beside the bed and there’s only one remaining box of her clothes in the closet.  He said he’s sorting through stuff and limiting things to 3 boxes he’ll keep in the basement, besides the pictures that are already up of her and Superboy.

Generally speaking, I was very encouraged.  Since it’s still mid-process, it’s a little unnerving to me when I come across her drivers license or other personal affects that had been in drawers, but he has out because he’s sorting. 

On the other side of things, we are starting to pack up my house and decide what we are keeping.  Even though he has a lot of kitchen stuff, etc., I find myself wanting to keep stuff just because it’s mine.  It would clutter the kitchen, it all functions the same, but part of me just wants to have my own stuff and not all things that belonged to the two of them together.  Kinda crazy to think of holding onto a stainless steel mixing bowl just because I was the original owner when he has probably 4+ bowls.  But then again, not really.  I know I need to keep some things to make it feel like my house and not just a house I live in.

Blending households, blending families . . . I look forward to the day when things are seamless.