The second anniversary of late wife’s death

 This past week was the second anniversary of her death.  I remembered how terrible it was for a few weeks last October before Superman and I got married.  He did really well this year.  He has had a few weeks with really poor sleep and nightmares, which could be him dealing with it on a subconscious level.  Or he could be experiencing that because any other number of stressors we are facing currently – he is currently unemployed and our house is in foreclosure. 

We talked about the anniversary a bit because I brought it up.  Rather than feeling on edge about it, I thought it better to just see where he was.  He said that a few things still get to him sometimes, that he never got to say goodbye, the “what if” questions, and just the fact that it was an incredible trauma to lose his wife.  He didn’t go to the cemetary and hasn’t been since before we were married.  He states he likely won’t go for a few years until he takes Superboy there for the first time.

So all in all, pretty good, especially for a 2nd anniversary.

Interesting things his family posted on Facebook however.  I’ve pasted some things below (slightly edited).

Superman’s mom:  I am so grateful to her for sharing her son with us. He is such a wonderful little boy. She was a tremendous cook. Her faith was abundant even through her great trials. I imagine her today as “fabulous” as she always was here, as she would tell you. Please remember ”late wife” [edit] with me today……

Superman’s mom: I am remembering ”late wife” [edit] today. It is still such a sad day, but she is in my thoughts nearly everyday. I grew to have great respect for “late wife” [edit]. I appreciated her love for ”Superman” [edit] and the joy she had with “Superboy” [edit]. I wish he could know his mother.

 Superman’s dad: Today I was thinking of “late wife” [edit], Miss her cooking, she has my wife and I craving french onion soup but can never find any as good as hers.I was glad we got to spend vacation with her in San Diego I know she loved it.I know ”superboy” [edit] has a lot of her traits, I see her in him. She is deeply missed even though I know she is in better hands .

I feel so excluded and unliked by them, that it is hard to read the postings above without a bias.  My mother-in-law’s comments about how she loved Superman and how she wishes Superboy could know her result in my feeling like she does not appreciate how much I give to my family.  And it’s not that I need her approval, I just wish she didn’t disrespect me, compare me to the late wife, and just have general feelings of ill will towards me.

 

The other issue that my father-in-law’s posting illustrates is the issue of nature versus nurture.  For those of you who are not familiar it’s the argument that nature or genes determine outcome versus your social environment determining how one is.  He believes Superboy has many of the late wife’s traits.  First of all, I don’t see it at all.  He is absolutely 100% his father.  I knew late wife a bit, and she had a very laid back personality, Superboy does not at all.  Sometimes I fear that anything good that I contribute to his life is going to be seen as a trait of hers when it is really due to all that a mother pours into a child that in the end will have been done mostly by me.

 

I love fall, but I hate the anniversaries and issues it brings.  Soon the snow will fall and for a season this will all be left behind.

Making peace

Before my husband’s late wife passed away, I had a good relationship with her sister.  Her sister was 15 years younger than her (she was adopted) and I taught her Sunday School.  She always came to hug me when she saw me at church and would laugh and joke with me.

When it came out that I was dating her former brother-in-law, that all changed.  She ignored me for quite some time.  As my relationships with many people dramatically shifted at that time, I chose to let this one go and reminded myself that it wasn’t about me.  As hard as that is sometimes, it’s good to remember that people react because of their own emotional roller coaster and we do not need to get on that ride.

After Superman and I married, it was hard for her to figure out what all had happened.  She didn’t understand if Superman was still her brother, if I was now her sister, etc.  (She has some learning challenges).  One day at church she came up to me and asked a lot of hard questions that I could tell had been plaguing her.  She asked who was taking care of Superboy and I explained to her that I live with Superman and Superboy now and so I was taking care of him.  She asked a few more questions and said more or less that it had been hard for her since her sister passed away and seeing me be part of their family.  I listened to her with grace, as I could tell she was genuinely trying to work through everything that had happened and was not trying to dump on me.

That was probably about 7 months ago.  Since then we had talked at church more and she was back to coming to give me hugs.  A month or so ago, she shared with me that she was going to live with another sister out of state to go to a special high school.  Her mother came to me and asked if we could spend some time together before she left as a time to make things right before she left.

So we met at Perkins after work and I had dinner with the late wife’s sister and mother.  We had a pretty good time, talking about her move, about the silly things Superboy has been doing, and how her mother embarrasses her as a teenager.  When her mother stepped away to take a phone call, she said that Superman doesn’t talk to her as much anymore and that she misses how he and his late wife would spend time with her and make jokes.  To some degree I have noticed that at times she tries to put me in that role, although I never fulfill that role in any way that doesn’t feel true to who I really am.  I listened and the subject passed.  She is gradually forming her new reality and beginning to understand how things will be now.

I was touched by her gesture of peacemaking, and glad that she could have more closure before she moved.

prayer does change things

I’m making a more conscious effort to not only post when things are rough, but to also share the joys. After all, I did include struggle and joy when I named the blog!

Yesterday when I came home from work, Superman had actually been doing some things around the house. I can tell it’s a step in the right direction as far as his mental health is concerned. He was doing laundry again, he had spent some time outside, and he was smiling and joking.  Superboy is going to spend some time with his maternal grandmother this weekend (late wife’s mother, not mine) so I’m looking forward to having some time for us to reconnect, recover, and heal from all that we’ve been enduring over the last several weeks.

My faith is what has been getting me through these tough times, whether it’s widower issues or life issues that many people go through. One song that has really touched me is “If you want me to” by Ginny Owens.  The song has been constantly in my head since my miscarriage, so I thought I’d share it here.  Thanks to those of you who have kept me in your prayers.

My first Mother’s Day

Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  Life has been a whirlwind as I adjust to married life, being a mommy, and all that has come along with it.  Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for many who are with a widower or former widower, so I thought I’d squeeze in the time to share my story.

A few days ago, the mother of my husband’s late wife made a point of wishing me a happy mother’s day.  She told me that I was a good mother to Superboy and she thanked me for all that I was doing for her grandson.  A while back, our relationship had been really strained, so it’s wonderful progress that she is going out of her way to wish me a happy mother’s day.  She recently finished painting a portrait of Superboy as a baby with his mother.  She showed it to me (and posted a picture on Facebook).  When Superboy saw it he said, “that’s momma!” and kept playing.  He’ll be three is July and he always identifies pictures of her as momma, and he calls me mommy.  Some day I think it will click in his mind and we are going to have to answer a lot of questions.

A few weeks ago, Superboy was informing me that I was not his mother.  In my mind I began to panick and think, oh my goodness, this can’t be happening so soon!  He can’t be denying me as his mother as such a young age!  He’s got to be at least 7 or 8 before this issue arises!  He went on to inform me that I was his mommy, not his mother .  So I almost had an enormous overreaction becasue of the weird way preschoolers understand the English langugage!

Months ago, Superman had told me that he and Superboy would go to the cemetery on Mother’s Day to honor her as his birth mother and that she was his mother for the first year of his life.  He ended up not going.  After we went out to eat the whole family laid down for a nap and he didn’t go.  I had been dreading Mother’s Day for that very reason, not wanting to be left alone at the house and feeling like I was getting jipped on Mother’s Day having to share the day with another woman.  I know that they may go in the future, but at least for this year it was not an issue I needed to deal with.

Superman told me that I was a special mother, as I have taken on the responsibility of nurturing a child I didn’t birth and I have loved him and cared for him as my own.  He seemed particularly thankful for me.  I was concerned that the day might bring up old grief issues, but it didn’t.

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day, and were able to work through the many issues that come up with a holiday such as this.

7 weeks into marriage

So we got married on October 24th! You haven’t heard from me because it’s been insanely busy as I adjust to becoming a wife, a mother, and my commute changed from being 25 min to 45 min-1 hour one way.

I must say that things are going pretty well. We are having our moments here and there….but it’s understandable with all the adjustments. His being a widower hasn’t been factoring into our relationship. I think we’ve reached a phase of where most of what we deal with is related to the former in-laws and his family. So for those of you struggling with the widower issues – there is hope! There can be periods of rest from the issues!

For example, last month his late wife’s mother asked for their Christmas tree. I guess she had given it to them several years ago, and now she wanted it back. So we gave it to her even though we’d been planning to use it. She has periodically been asking for things back. It’s annoying.

So for my loyal readers, I thank you. I’m going to try to write more regularly. Recently my priority has been spending all my time with my new son and ensuring that transition goes well, and then giving as much as I can to my husband. Not much time to go around when you work full time with a commute like mine.

I’ve added a few pictures. This is something I haven’t done as I’ve tried to protect my anonymity! So here’s two from the wedding that should still keep things ok.