the first trip “home”

So Superman, Superboy and I did the 4 hour drive to see my parents, sisters, brother-in-law and kids.  It was the first time any of them had met Superboy, and the first time my sister and her family had met Superman.  I have to say it went better than I ever expected.

My family has been so supportive and encouraging through all the stages of this relationship.  They were so excited to meet my new family.  Superboy can be really shy, and had been really upset about so many people wanting to talk to him when we were at church, so I wasn’t sure how a new situation and new people would go.

But it went great.  My family was really patient and slowly and surely Superboy warmed up to them.  My parents live on a farm so we were about to go outside and see baby kittens, take a ride in the tractor (Superboy was a little scared of that one), and have all of those opportunities for him to bond with my dad and sister.  We had a great time taking the kids to the park and swimming, and it allowed Superboy to relax enough to open up a little.

Superman really dumped the “mommy” responsibilities on me this weekend.  At times it was a little overwhelming, but I couldn’t really complain because it was what I wanted all along.  I put him to sleep two nights (once with Superman, once without) and I managed to endure the crying.  I changed my fair share of the dirty diapers, packed the bags, remembered the sippy cups, and did a pretty good job if I don’t say so myself!  It was rather draining, however.  There was a time or two he was having a break down and it was scary to feel powerless to do anything to stop him from crying.

But he’s calling me “mommy” to Superboy all the time now and teaching him that’s who I am – even in front of his parents!  I’m glad he’s feeling less of a need to protect them and more focused on us becoming a family.

It was also great to have time with Superman and Superboy away from Superman’s parents.  Every time they are around, Superboy runs to them, and Superman doesn’t agree 100% with how they have been choosing to care for Superboy, so it can be stressful at times.  When we were with my family, Superboy actually cuddled with me to fall asleep with his nap and wasn’t running to grandma every 5 minutes.

What was amazing was how normal things seemed at times (besides the overwhelmed feeling).  Superman fits in with my family amazingly well.  It wasn’t weird to see him with my family.  Other men that have met my family before always seemed a little awkward when they spent time with us.  Superboy loved playing with my niece, and actually was pulling her into the other room to play – he’s never initiated play with other children before!  Superman commented to me while the kids were playing that it looks like they could be related – and he was pretty pleased about that.  It warmed my heart to hear that and just to watch how seemlessly things seemed to flow.

I’m still feeling a little scared to be a mommy, probably more than I ever have.  I’m beginning to realize how exhausting parenting can be, and I wonder how it will impact Superman and I as a newly wedded couple.  Will we still get the time we need as a couple?  I certainly hope so, and I know that we will need to be very intentional about the time we spend together.

our first social gathering

So this past weekend, we had our first social gathering that we attended with the 3 of us.  It was a birthday party for a young boy in our church, and many of the people in attendance had known Superman’s late wife.  So while some people have seen us at church together, I think it’s a different story when you are out socially.  I thought there may be potential for people to have difficulty seeing me with Superman and Superboy.

After we spent some time at the zoo, (which was so much fun!) we headed over to the party.  As we were walking up to the house, someone else was arriving and we waved and greeted them.  She turned and said, “Oh, I didn’t recognize you!”  My thought immediately was that she wasn’t expecting to see the three of us together and didn’t recognize us because of that.  When I talked with Superman about it later, he thought it may be because we were in really casual clothes and people are used to seeing us a certain way and in a certain type of dress at church.

One of my friends greeted me and said, “Hi momma!”  Which made me smile.  It feels so good to me that some people have accepted our relationship and can support me in that and let me know through comments here and there.

Especially at the beginning of the party I felt a little awkward – how much do I engage with Superboy?  I was feeling a little bit of leftover anxiety from Superman’s and my disagreement on the subject, and while I know I can’t live my life for other people, I didn’t want to be too over the top with my actions and be insensitive since it was people’s first time seeing me with Superboy.  Many of my friends knew his late wife too, so I care about my friends and where they are in processing the change.

Superboy was feeling a little anxious because there were so many people he didn’t remember there, so I held him and comforted him.  We looked at all the balloons and soon he was ready to sit down by the other kids.  Superman took charge of making sure he was fed so I just hung back a little and socialized with the other parents.

While I was in the kitchen, the mother of the child whose birthday we were celebrating introduced me to her friend who had come from out of town for the party.  I was getting some food for Superboy and the mother pointed him out to her friend, saying, “Remember that baby I used to watch?  That’s him!”  While Superman’s late wife was sick, several families in the church stepped up and helped with childcare since she had been a stay at home mom and was not able to care for him while Superman was at work.

They continued to chat and I excused myself from the conversation.  She did nothing hurtful, but it made me really self-conscious, and I hate that I began to wonder what that other woman thought of me.  Why did I begin to wonder if she thought worse of me because I was with a widower so soon after his wife’s death?  I need to keep reminding myself – what other people think of me in none of my business!

All in all, it was a great first outing.  It may have been hard for some people, but they didn’t let me know it.  I know I felt really self-conscious, and was probably a little paranoid that people were watching me. But considering some of the stories I’ve heard from other wives of widowers, I’m pretty pleased!

counting my blessings

I thought my last few posts were rather negative.  So here’s to celebrating what has been going right!

First of all, he called and apologized for how he may have treated me this weekend.  That made me feel better.

Secondly, I need to celebrate how well things have been going with Superboy!  He was rather wary of me the first time we met, which was over a short lunch at a restaurant in December.  He hadn’t been doing well with strangers at that age, and it took him forever to warm up to me.  The second time we saw each other, I think this was in January, he screamed while I was trying to assist Superman at church with getting off his coat.  March was the first time we spend more than an hour or two together at a time, and when you only get one weekend out of a whole month, it takes a while to get to know each other.

Now he acts a little shy for a few minutes, and then smiles at me and we begin to play.  He kept coming in the kitchen to grab my finger and get me to come play with him.  I stepped out of the room a few times this weekend, and he would come looking for me!  Once he followed me upstairs so then he sat on my lap in his room and we read books.  After each one was finished, he would demand, “Mo’!”

There was also breakthrough with Superman’s mom.  We chatted more about gardening and such, and she even brought up a few topics to talk with me about.  As they were getting in the car to leave she said, “Love you guys!”  That was touching – she included me!  I think it’s huge because she positively adored the late wife.  I think she’s getting used to the idea of me!

mother’s day is the new valentine’s day

(This is my post from 5/11/08 – I had typed a lot and LOST all of it, and was away from my computer for much of the week)

As a single woman, I often disliked Valentine’s day.  I had been dreading Mother’s Day for a while, thinking about future holidays, envisioning being alone at home while my future family treks to the cemetery.  It’s been difficult for me to process “sharing” holidays and almost everything with another woman, so I was not looking forward to the day.  To cope, it came across my mind that Mother’s Day would be my new Valentine’s Day, which actually hit me as hilarious.  So thus the title of my post.

Well, I had typed a lengthy post regarding this day and it’s intricacies, most of which was really good but unfortunately I cannot remember.  Maybe it’s better I don’t rehash the day’s pain in great detail, but I will post some comments to help all you other WOWs/GOWs out there (sorry – I hate the acronym, but it sure comes in handy!)

My insecurity and his grief made for an extremely difficult day.  It was his first mother’s day without her.  In a nutshell: I shared how I was feeling and let him know I was scared I would never be honored (among other things), he got upset and felt I was disrespecting his late wife’s memory.  For about 4 or 5 hours, we were broken up and he thought our relationship wouldn’t work because I was having difficulties with him being a widower.  We worked it out, obviously, as I’m still continuing this blog.  So word to the wise: holidays are difficult and it’s best to have thick skin.  As a wife/girlfriend/fiance of a widower, I believe I’m beginning to discover sometimes we need to deal with our issues with the assistance of other people or on our own when our husbands/boyfriends/fiances are experiencing a period of more intense grief.  I know some wives of widowers would disagree, and I am probably dating a widower much earlier after the late wife passed than most.

So Mother’s Day sucked.  I’m hoping its better next year.  I may actually officially be Superboy’s mother then.  It’s a role I’m so looking forward to, it’s difficult as he is currently 4+ hours away staying with his grandparents.  I feel like I’ve already missed out on the first 21 months of his life that I don’t want to miss a moment more.  So even though I didn’t bear him, I felt that pain on this Mother’s Day.  I hope someday soon we will be a family.

the monumental weekend

Superman has been introducing the idea of me to his parents in stages. I had met them briefly and eaten dinner with them once. However, we’d been shying away from any amount time that is too intensive.

That changed the weekend before last. They live 4 hours away, and every two weeks either he goes to see them or they come here, because they are currently the caregivers for his son. So he invited me to have dinner with them and see how things go. I said that if I didn’t feel like things were going well, I’d be out the door the minute the food was done.

Well, dinner went fabulous! They talked about his late wife for a little bit, they really enjoyed her cooking, and she had been good in the kitchen. But considering how much they could have talked about her, it was great. I weathered it pretty well! Towards the end of the meal, Superman’s mom mentioned having cake, coffee and watching a movie. She was actually inviting me to stay longer! Yay me! This is monumental considering 4 weeks ago when she had visited she went through the house and removed pictures of me when he had been gone for a few hours.

All in all, a good weekend. I was able to bond with Superboy a little bit more. Some days all I can think about is wanting to be his mommy. I look forward to it, although I know it will be challenging.