About

This blog is about my journey of dating and eventually marrying a young widower.  He lost his wife to cancer in 2007 and began pursuing me before fully embracing his grief, although now he seems to have moved through the stages of grief for the most part.  It has not been an easy road loving a widower, so I began this blog with the intent of sharing my life that it may help other women, that they may know they are not alone.

The people in my blog:

Superman = my boyfriend/fiance, who happens to be a widower

Superboy = my boyfriends toddler son

_______ = the late wife (haven’t decided what I’m calling her yet)

Why so many superlatives you ask?  He loves Superman, and with all he’s survived in life he believes he’s pretty tough.  His son is very much him, even at 5 years old, so then he becomes Superboy.

My name is PerfectWomanXs2 because one day Superman and I were talking about how I wouldn’t be second best or less than his late wife, and he said I’d be his perfect woman part II.  I responded by saying I wanted to be his perfect woman times 2.  When I started the blog, that came to mind as a name, so I used it!  Honestly, I’m pretty humble. :)  I don’t think I’m perfect!

31 responses to “About

  1. I am marrying a widower she died 2 years ago to cancer. We have a house but there are still lots of things he hung up of their previous life. All the dishes furniture etc are all of theirs. He got upset when I got new pots and pans since they were unusable. They never cooked. I cook dinner every night. Any ways as he falls asleep cuddling me he says I miss you. I dont know if he is talking to me or his late wife. We were at the zoo with my son and he had a montage of memories of her and began crying. It really got to me. When I asked about it later he said I was making a mountain out of a molehill. It just really upset me. And still does.
    When my son was sick recently at our house he said his late wife was there watching over him.
    Is he ready to marry me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just feel lost. And the wedding is 3 weeks away

    He says he loves me but I am feeling like a replacement. Thanks

    • PLEASE – wait! I married a widower (his wife had died over a year before) and after 2 1/2 years, he asked for a divorce. He just couldn’t handle it all. He has a daughter and I have a daughter and two sons. I am going through a painful (because I still am madly in love with him) divorce and I only wish that I had waited on the marriage so that he could have more time to work through his grief.

      I also had moved into “their” house and it wasn’t good. I never felt like it was my home even though he was very gracious.

      He is not ready to marry you – please trust me on this. I know from very painful experience.

      Keeping you all in my prayers,
      Molly

  2. I care for a widower. He is a family man and was married for 34 years before his wife died of cancer. He dated me for a short while and then called to say he did not want to date me anymore. I was shocked because we had fun with each other and are both of the same faith. We kept in touch by phone or online and have seen each other twice at my house following a group meeting we both attend. He loved kissing and holding me but as yet, has not returned to dating me. He seems very excited to be with me (we are not lovers) and then he doesn’t call or come up with a date. She died three years ago. He goes to her grave site everyday. He is such a wonderful man and I think I have to let go because he is not ready. This hurts.
    Should I be patient and wait?
    waiting in Northern Maine

  3. Please can someone help me? I am dating a man who’s partner died 10 months ago- they did n’t have a happy relationship althoughthey did nt fight they were more like brother and sister( I knew him before) and both stayed in the relationship due to financial reasons etc. However she has become a saint he talks sometimes about how great she was at her job etc and the house is a bit of a shrine really pictures everywhere, fridge magnets even a photo in the kitchen- which makes me feel like an intruder if I so much as put the kettle on! what hes displaying with this shrine contradicts what he said before about their relationship and I dont want to hurt or anoy him by reminding him that it was nt a bed of roses, any advice would help

    • Have you tried to talk to him about how his house seems like a “shrine”? It may not be important to remind him of the truth of their relationship while she was alive, especially if he is not in the mental place to receive information like that.

      More importantly, for your sake, is he ready for a relationship with you? It may be helpful for you to read the following by Abel Keogh if you haven’t already:

      http://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/widower/widower-wednesday/dating-a-widower-chapter-1/

      http://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/widower/widower-wednesday/companionship-vs-relationships/

      I have found him to be one of the most insightful writers about issues related to dating a widower. He also hosts a Facebook group that can be really helpful to pose questions to. It can be found here:

      https://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_57856999232

      • Thank you for your reply, it may be difficult to join the facebook group as it shows on my profile, He made a comment about the photos saying something about how it would nt be fair on her friends to take them dwon! ( they visit less and less since her death) There is the photo inthe kitchen and her fridge magnets and I don’t feel confortable there, we have take aways when I go, I would not be confortable cooking in her kitchen, with the photo there and having to open the fridge door with her magnets on

      • last night he said I looked good for a 62 yr ol- er 54 year old (LW was 62, I am 54) does this mean he is thinking of her when we are together?, his fmaily are there this weekend and no calls its as if he is ashamed of me, any advice would be appreciated

  4. I am divorced of 11 yrs. Have an amazing outgoing 14 yr old son. I was going out with a widower of 18 months for 7 wonderful happy months. His wife died of cancer and they were all there for the long painful journey and at her death bed at home. He has 3 kids 10, 14, 16. Our kids when they got together which was very seldom got along brilliantly. We are mad about each other. He is the most devouted father. At their beck and call. A very close knit family. At his wifes grave side he swore that he would put his kids happiness first no matter what. The youngest child (all boys) is mad about me. H needs a mother figure, but the other two don’t. They want their father all to themselves. One morning he woke up and said that his kids are so unhappy and that its over. They had bullied their youngest brother as well. He said his kids happiness comes first no matter what. It not us. I love him so much. i make him so happy. Im prepared to wait because its right. I will take what i can, will his kids ever come around. Im sooo unhappy i dont know what to do

    • Dear Simonne,

      I was particularly touched by your post as I had just clicked “send” on an e-mail to the brother of my husband’s dead wife. In it I tell him and his wife that although they are welcome to continue a relationship with my husband, I will not be a part of it.

      During a very long marriage (over 30 years) my husband became much closer to his wife’s family than his own. When I came on the scene many of them accepted me but two did not. It was the brother and his wife. This has been particularly difficult because the sister-in-law and my husband were close during the illness of his former wife.

      The former wife has been dead for over 6 years and they still don’t want to move on or attempt to treat me with the respect anyone deserves. They have treated me rudely for the entire 4 years we have been together (we’ve been married since 2009). My husband has two sons who weren’t exactly thrilled about me either but we have a decent relationship and I can live with that. They at least treat me with respect.

      I can understand your pain. I have been arguing with my husband for days about this relationship. He wants me to go for holidays and tolerate their behavior so that he can continue his relationship with them. I have done that in the past but don’t want to do it anymore. All I’m asking of him is to accept my feelings and support my position. I’m not asking him to drop out of their lives. At last he agreed with me sending the e-mail.

      All I can tell you is that these struggles can be ongoing. I have a friend who’s with a widower and she has almost identical issues.

      I suggest you focus on what you want and need and set some boundaries for yourself. Don’t tolerate bad behavior from him, his kids, or anyone else. You shouldn’t be asked to. Good Luck

  5. I married widower and he have four children, during our courtship we talked about his late wife and how she wanted to leave him for another man and was planning for divorce but then she was found dead by an medication reacation, he told me that he was done griffing but now being married for some years I doubt that was the case, he has pictures of his late wife on our computer and his his daughter room and always talks about how his daughter makes him think of her and she the only one in our house that can disrectful talk to me and he does nothing other than say tell her your sorry but anytime she wants him he comes runing the other 3 children seemed to accept me as their second mom they are under 4 yrs when their mom died and his oldest daughter was 5 and he is very over protective but he wants me to do all the grounding when he dosent approval of something we recently had a child together and I feel like I dont belong in this family is this normal ? i did not have any kids of my own until I had my son, now I wish I could just get divorce but since my religous belifts frown on divorce I feel stuck, I want to take my child and leave. I feel unloved and unappreciated, I have to do everything a mother would do and yet not get treated like one, I have to do everything a wife dose and dont get treated like one I feel like I am treated like dirt by my husband. Can you please help me.

  6. My daughter is also going out with a widower. He is older than her and she is pregnant to him. Although he wanted a baby at the time, he keeps changing his mind. He says he wants them to be together and then changes his mind again, he is all over the place and so is she. I feel that he didn’t grieve for long enough, he started dating my daughter after 4 months of his wife of 10 years passing away. He can’t see any future for them and then just when she is getting along fine on her own he appears saying he wants to be with her and he means it this time. Of course ‘this time’ can last as little as a week, once he has her back he is all confused again and not ready to start a family. I really am at my wits end and don’t know what advice to give to her anymore as he always seems to win her round.
    Just wondered if anyone has any thoughts on this, (good or bad!) or if anyone has been in this situation and it has actually worked! Thanks

  7. Vidya

    I meant to say “my wonderful dad”, not wondering……….

    Well my post did go through…I didn’t want to write that again…LOL

  8. Hi Vidya,

    W’s son had him by himself for 8 yrs. It wouldn’t matter who his dad married, it would be the same. Children in this position know what they are doing and don’t care. It is usually me, me, me, my feelings only and it doesn’t matter if they are 30 years old when dad remarries. There are very few children that love their living parent so much that they accept what the living parent decides even if the arrangement makes them feel uncomfortable. There are some that will move forward as respect for the living parent, but not many in the beginning.

    There are too many parents that have raised their children to think that the world revolves only around them and their wants and desires come first no matter what. Familiarity and keeping things at status quo is safe and comforting. Well, everyone loves familiar memories, those safe, easy times and it is not always easy to move forward in new family situations. New family situations affects EVERYONE and everyone wants to be safe and surrounded by familiar conditions. As you know, that takes time but it we never replace or have the same safe familiarity but most can find a comfortable position of sharing, respect and love. It will never be as we knew it while growing up because that was just natural. It takes so much effort to try and open hearts for future times of togetherness. Memories are revisited, cherished and are always there to give us all comfort.

    As you know, you want share so much with W and child, but it hurts so much when u try so hard, give and do so much and still feel like an intruder at times. It hurts so much when one feels rejected yet wanting so much healing for all. You have missed children’s formative years of sharing situations in their life. No one can go back and get that. The only choice is to accept and hope that through the years all will come together on a different level, another kind of familiarity that as the children grow, experience and mature that then they will be glad W has someone in his life that he loves. Hopefully children will come to terms that W did not forget or not retain tremendous love for LW but could love another as well and wanted so much to feel alive again as we all need to feel love, share with another adult that we have much in common,respect, adoration and there was enough to share with all in family.

    I know children, (not all)no matter what age feel they are having to share W and resent that. When anyone remarries the dynamics must change as someone else has been invited into the family with different experiences, traditions and their own memories. Children and sometimes devoted friends of lw usually don’t get it. New wife just tries to fit , conform the best she can and usually puts new family situation way ahead of her own immediate needs while tying to maintain a resemblance of life that W, family, their social friends had prior to her appearance while so wanting to accepted and share in so many of their experiences and memories. Everyone needs to be a part of an accepting group that was there before new wife’s arrival.

    My wondering dad died when I was 12. Mom remarried 4 years later, but in no way did I feel that she deserted or didn’t love my dad with all of her heart. Also, I knew the world did not revolve just around me and my wants. Mom did something right without me realizing it during my growth. I was mentally healthy enough to just know about sharing love and loving all kinds of people and that there was enough to go around. I’m glad to have had the mom I had who prepared me to always move forward with love in my heart.

    Oh, I’m married to a widower now. I do know what you are feeling and going through. Please, keep communicating with W. Men don’t always understand but it is up to you to share and discuss wehn the time is right. Many things don’t need to be discussed over and over again, but you should value yourself enough to verbalize your concerns.

    Again, your 16 year old is moving and dealing the best he knows how with what he has learned through his years. Don’t walk out. He needs you more than he or you realize at the moment. He will view you differently someday as he grows and develops his own life, family. I know it is difficult for you now. Rejection cuts into our spirit and we feel pain. It seems you have already sacrificed much. No one will really understand all that you have done and do. Well, only until they experience your position first hand will the light bulb moment go off.

    Continue your journey of love and wanting so much for all. Don’t leave yourself behind and don’t sacrifice you or your marriage. As people live longer there will be more and more marriages in later life, or like yours that will experience some of the same. I know of others that now understand when once they did not.

    You are not alone.

    • Your comments regarding shifting dynamics and reluctance on the part of family and friends of LW to accept the change struck a familiar chord. Very well said.

  9. Dear All,

    I am a divorcee who married a widower – he had been widowed for 8 years when he married me – it has been 2 years now – his son of 16 years does not accept me whatever I do – he is also hoping I would get dejected of the disconnected family situation and would leave and leave his dad to him. I have really tried to include him in everything – have not even taken a honeymoon or even a vacation with his dad alone and now realise that he wants me out in a discreet way. he behaves like he is fond of me in front of his dad and in reality does not even care for me. Please advise – should I leave since I dont want to seperate son and father – am really crying a lot and am very dejected.

  10. Pretty cool post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say
    that I have really liked reading your blog posts. Anyway
    I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!

  11. Well, from reading the different posts, I see that this unfortunately is not unusual. I feel like I’ve fallen way down the priority list and that he just seems to keep me around to do the cooking, cleaning & laundry; as well as take care of his daughter when he’s working.

    He is not able to compliment me, share with me, love me, etc. When I ask him about it, he just says that he can’t. I finally got to the point of saying to him that it’s not that he can’t, it’s that he won’t. He does realize that he has emotionally abandoned me and feels bad about it but that’s the extent of it.

    I would highly encourage anyone who is seriously looking at marrying a widower to seek counseling, both single and couples, prior to making any commitment. It will help to prevent much heartache.

  12. Molly, I am going through some similar things and I hope to talk more about it in the coming weeks on the blog. The pain is rough, hang in there and please continue to share.

  13. I certainly could use some encouragement. I married a widower with one daughter (now age 11) in August of 2007. I was a divorced mom of three teenagers and had been divorced for several years. He was only a widower for three months before we started dating and we dated for one year prior to our marriage.

    He seemed to be dealing well with the grief. His first wife had cancer for eight years before she passed away. We had a wonderful courtship and I truly felt that I finally had found a man who loved and cherished me the way I deserved. Unfortunately, almost immediately after our wedding things began to change. We are now at the point where I feel like we are “housemates” and nothing more. We are both in individual counseling and dealing with depression.

    I love this man completely and am totally committed to a life-long marriage but the pain is often quite unbearable.

    Has anyone else dealt with this?

  14. Iam going to marry a widower he lost his wife to cancer in 2004. He claims hes done morning her. he goes to see his daughter at their old house every weekend and his stp daughter is usually out.I think he misses their house and needs to be there.I need to know if im making a good decision marrying a widower who wont talk about her and tell me anything please help

  15. I have sort of been getting to know a widower who lost his wife and child a few years ago.

    We have gotten together a few times, but he seems kind of warm and then cold. Also, the child he lost would be the age of my child now. I’m not sure if he’s ready to start dating. There seems to be a mixed message coming at me. He wants to get together again, but always has other things to do. Should I just look for someone who actually wants to date me?
    Ocean

  16. I just found your blog, and have read a few posts, but really want to go back and start at the ‘beginning’ of your story. I am only at the start of a relationship with a widower, myself. And I’m terrified! I’m very happy to have found this, thank you.

  17. Albert and Perfect girl (you are perfect friend),

    I think that there is a huge difference between being married to the same person for 31 years and being married to the same person for say… less than 3. Even though, the loss for each person is personal and severe, the man who was married for as long as you had been surely would not be able to move on as quickly as someone who has not had that same experience.

    I commend you for the insight you have that clearly you are not ready for a committed relationship at this point in your life. However, if and when you are, don’t limit yourself to widows. You are assuming that each and every widowed person had a terrific marriage. Case in point, my husband did not.

    When you are ready to become involved again, be sure that you are totally committed to your new love and give her all of the love and respect that you gave to your late wife. The next one deserves the same.

    Kudos to you again for knowing that down deep inside you are not able to be a good partner to someone new at this time in your life.

    I hope that in reading this blog of perfect girl’s that you understand, that when you do become ready you will know how in fact to treat someone new.

    Congrats perfect girl on setting your wedding date!

    Hugs
    Glenda

  18. I am a widower after 31 years of marriage to my best friend and soul mate. We did not have children or prior marriages. She died July 28, 2007 after being diagnosed with cancer on July 8. We chose not to have hospice. I cared for her to the end and she died in my arms in our home. It was a beautiful, life-altering experience to “deliver her to the door-step of heaven”. In a few weeks it will be one year. Each person handles a spouse’s death in a unique way. I feel it is inappropriate to judge others in this regard. Some remove all memories, clothes, etc. of their wife from the home or may even sell the house right away. Others rush quickly into a relationship or get married within a few months. It is not right or wrong, it just works for them. For me, it would be very unfair and selfish to get into a relationship or marriage right now. I am still grieving. It is work and a process. I spent 31 years becoming a “we” and growing up and then growing old together. It was wonderful and it was a special gift. I am working on finding a new “normal” and learning to be a “me” after being a “we” for so long. The pain has been very intense. So much so, at times, that I can not imagine loving another women this intensely again. However, I have read that the intensity of my grief means I have the capacity to love again just as intensely. At this point I can not imagine that happening ever again. However, when and if I become a fully intact “me” again, I may be able and ready for a relationship. I hope that some day I will have someone in my life again. My wife and I spoke about it before she died. At this point I think it would be another widow, just because she has had the same loss. I also think it would be a widow that had a husband as her best friend. I think a period of several years must pass before it is the right thing to consider for me. Again, this is how I feel. For others, a few months works for them. In reality, I am still married to my wife in my thoughts, actions, tears, home, etc. I wear her wedding ring on my baby finger next to mine on my left hand. It works for me. I have pictures of her everywhere and have her ashes in our bedroom. Under these circumstances, it would be very unfair to subject a new women to all of this right now. I am not ready to move on yet.

    Regards,
    Al

  19. My heart breaks for you dear. I have read quite a bit and as the wife of a formerly widowed man, I have made a few observations. Please listen with an open mind. I have walked this journey but this blog makes me want to cry as it is very unfortunate that Superman has his priorities as they relate to his late wife and your happiness out of order.

    Time heals wounds. Unfortunately, he hasn’t had enough time to be alone to learn how to treasure and value your company and your awesomeness. You may want to consider giving yourself some space. This constant need to “help” him, to nurture him, to take care of his grief is not healthy to you. You are not a professional grief counselor and when he needs bereavement counseling, he should seek help from a professional. You should only be expected to share the joy of new found happiness. Sure there will be times when he may feel blue, but this constant need of his to be taken care by you and to be understod by you ALL BECAUSE he is a widower is very selfish of him. He needs to pay more attention to your feelings of isolation and your insecurities, and from what I have read he falls short, often.

    You teach people how to treat you. Currently, you are teaching him that it is OK for him to continue to act like a widower, while at the same time he is making plans to marry you. That is awfully confusing for you, isn’t it? What will he be, when you are his wife? He cannot continue to behave like a widower because he really won’t be one anymore as he will have a very LIVE WIFE. You!

    Draw a line in the sand. This relationship is not all about him. It is also about the wonderful treasure that he has in YOU. He needs to show YOU that he desires you as the one and only woman in his life. Time will not change his behavior and his feeling sorry for himself. Your attitude and your strength to stand up and say to him, “I do NOT accept society’s norm” is in order here. If you don’t gain the strength it takes to demand respect for yourself, I fear that this relationship will only bring you heartache.

    In addition, he may just not be ready to give you all that you deserve in a healthy, loving and fulfilling relationship. This relationship that you have with him, has a ghost present and it is up to you to decide just how much more of this you are willing to take. I know its scarey and doing the right thing for your sense of self worth may not produce the result that you hope it will. It will however produce the right result.

    Hugs.
    Glenda

  20. I am dating a widower with a 3 1/2 years-old child. I’ve been doing some research on the subject, being with a widower, and came across your blog.

    I’ve read most of your posts and totally identify and relate to you.

    I thought we could exchange and share some ideas and thoughts about what it means to be with a widower.

    Drop me a line whenever you have a chance.

    Have a wonderful day.

    Citygirl

    • City girl,

      How long has he been a widower? You have to be VERY sure that he is far enough along in the grieving process. I started dating a man (he has a daughter who is now 11 and I have three teenagers) only three months after his first wife died. We were married one year later. Things were wonderful during our courtship and he seemed ready to move on but almost immediately after we were married he started falling into a deep depression. We have been married almost two years now and it has been a very difficult road.

      I would highly recommend that you both go for counseling prior to making any commitments. Also, do you have any children? “Blending” a family is not like the Brady Bunch. It is extremely difficult.

      It can all be done but just make sure you have your eyes wide open.

      Molly

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