on days like today
Posted by: Author on: October 6, 2008
As I have so wonderfully observed, I usually only turn to this blog when I need to vent. My lack of writing means that things have been going well, and, well……busy. Here’s a summation:
Premarital counseling continued, great progress made! Superman and I took a day trip to the lake and had the greatest time. Superboy moved home and is calling me “mommy” and has been attaching well. I love that boy so much. We discovered a caterpillar the other day. He calls it a “at-perd” since he can’t say caterpillar. It warms my heart to hear him call me mom. But moving along…things have been going well….
And then this weekend happened. Superman’s parents came to visit. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. They were the ones who had cared for Superboy for the last year. Frankly, I believe they spoil Superboy and are only attached to him because they have no love in their own lives. A two year old gives attention to the one who feeds him, so thus they feel loved. Not exactly a healthy relationship.
We’ve talked and talked about it. How they are too negative. How they spoil Superboy. How they do not support Superman. How they guilt-trip him. How they do not agree with our religious beliefs. How manipulative they are.
However, he still felt obligated to let them come and see Superboy since they cared for him. I am of the belief that he doesn’t owe them anything. If anything, them helping out with Superboy was the least they could do after the abusive childhood Superman endured.
Yet he still feels guilted into giving in to them. And I am somewhat concerned that he still welcomes them into his home when he says he doesn’t agree with them. And even though they are nice to me, I know they don’t approve of us moving forward with the relationship any time soon. Why would he welcome someone like that around, even if it is your own parents?
To add insult to injury: today would have been his and his late wife’s wedding anniversary. He’s not answering my calls.
So after a crappy future in-laws weekend of negativity, I can’t reach him on the phone. And all I want to do is hug him. I love that man so much it hurts. Is it tough when he has days like this? YES. But I love him anyway and I know that the grief cycle will get less and less painful. Anniversaries are hard. I can’t fault him for a bad day or two when the rest of the time he is a very loving person towards me.
So, just needed to vent. I’ll do my best to actually post when things are going well, but no promises!!
3 Responses to "on days like today"
October 7, 2008 at 8:12 pm
One of the hardest things for me was being a part of the grief process. It put a distance in our relationship, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. It hurt like crazy. It really didn’t go away after all of the firsts.
I was there for all of the firsts. The first Thanksgiving, the anniversary of her death, the first wedding anniversary and Christmas without her (all of that within the same month. It makes the holidays a sad challenge, to say the least). The first birthday’s (hers, the kids and his) without LW. Even the second and the third ones were hard. Not as hard, but still…it still puts a distance in our relationship that I wish wasn’t there. And we are coming up on four years since LW’s death and almost three years since we got married.
If I could do it all over again, I would have waited to become involved. Waited until after he was able to process his grief more (no matter how many times he told me had, less than one year to process wasn’t enough).
I love my husband. I’m glad he’s mine. I just wish I would have known how hard and emotionally draining being the new Mrs. was going to be. It was excruciating, even depressing. Especially the first year of our marriage.
Tons of prayer and support have gotten me to where I am today. Sending prayers your way as you continue on this journey.
October 7, 2008 at 8:40 am
Perfectgirl,
Is the wedding back on? You and Superboy get more and more attached and the love bond grows, between the two of you. It would certainly be heart breaking if you could not count on a permanent future with Superman after devoting your heart and soul to his son.
Wow, he isn’t answering your phone calls? That must certainly make you feel awful. I hope he doesn’t ignore you like that on other days of the year. What is he going to be like on her death anniversary day? If you are the primary caregiver to his son and if you happen to need him for something urgent, what will you do if he just plain doesn’t answer the phone in an emergency situation?
Sounds like he is so far into himself and his grief over the loss of spending this wedding anniversary without his wife, he just turns off and ignores you? How disappointing that must be to be taking care of his son and at the same time to be blatently ignored.
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October 10, 2008 at 4:32 am
i am maried to a widower-dont do iti lorok after his two sons we also have a baby. the things hehas said and done i cant forget. its toture. get out while u can. i hear him be loving oe miute and void of emotio the next. even our wedding was ruined by the best mans speech referig to his hard times. a relationship is about two people not three. i wish i could go back. even paiting a wall in MY HOUSE well itsupposed to be is a nightmare. these men are spolit.take it from oe who kows and bought ito the fact a loved him but he doesnt love me as much and thats when u have to realise be a childmider, a cook, dont mind about living someone elses life? yes u could do it for love real love but if someone really cosiders you they will listen not belittle you and not turn off their phoe. two people need to be really into the relationship. there are good times yes and he does love me but just not enough, you wouldnt except anyone else talkig about another woman would you. i fill a void please think carefully, i cry most days over my mistake i could be starting a life with someone who is just for me cant wait for a married life family togrther but guess what hes done that…..i am sorry i just wat to tell u u deserve better than second best i wish someone had told me-ofcorse they did i just didnt listen and life is crap.