becoming the wife of a widower….from struggle to joy

I don’t want to hear her name

Posted by: Author on: September 8, 2008

For the last several months, Superman and I have been doing really well in regards to the whole “widower thing” (for lack of a better phrase).  I’d gotten past a lot of my insecurities, his grief was not apparent, and he even reported that he was getting his passion back.  He was feeling more productive, excited about his career, and planning for the future.

So I thought to myself “Yay! We’re through the worst!  Finally, I don’t have to feel claustrophobic in this relationship at all!”  I’d been moving in my stuff, and her presence wasn’t so strong in his house as we have been preparing for marriage and for me to move in.

This weekend, it’s like he can’t stop bringing up her name and stories relating to her.  It’s the “we used to . . .”  and “she did this” and I don’t want to keep hearing about her!  Especially since he hadn’t brought her up in a while.

So we went out to eat today, and after we sat down I realized I had sat in a place that allowed Superman to see the TV.  I said something about needing to learn how to position myself in a restaurant to eliminate the competitition from the TV.  He said that it’s a skill that will take me years to develop, and relayed how it took his late wife a long time to remember to look for TVs.  In the car on the way to the restaurant, her name came up in a story as well. 

We were about two thirds through our meal, and he offered for me to try some of his.  I did and thought it was much better than my food.  He insisted that we switch, and I agreed after he convinced me.  He began to say something and stopped.  I asked him to continue, and then he began to say how he’s used to it because his late wife always liked the food he ordered better.

I teared up, stopped eating, and thankfully the bill came soon after.  I asked why her name keeps coming up.  He said it was this time of year when he spoke with her for the last time before she was in the hospital in a coma.  (She died in October).

So I closed myself off, we rode home in silence.  He said that if we have to spend less time together in coming weeks, he’ll understand and he doesn’t expect me to hear all his reminiscing.  I feel like I need to protect myself, I wonder if his love for me is stronger than the love he feels for her.  I’m too afraid to know.  Here we are, on a journey towards marriage (were supposed to already be married!) and he’s talking about spending less time together!  Maybe it’s a good thing we aren’t yet married, because we would have had the first two months of marriage dealing with the anniversary of her being in the hospital, slipping into the coma, her death, and their wedding anniversary.

So he’s in the other room watching football, and I’m sitting in here typing.  Intellectually, I know it can and it will get better.  It will.  My emotions are screaming right now wanting to know if I’m destined for a relationship that is less than I want the rest of my life.  I’ve been in a lot of cognitive/emotional fights in my mind lately, and I know it’s the cognitive that needs to win.

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10 Responses to "I don’t want to hear her name"

1 | elaine
June 2, 2009 at 9:48 am

I feel so badly for you.

I am dating a widower also. Or “was”. I just ended it.

He was widowed for 12 years. He has saintifed his LW. truth told she was likely was a wonderful person, she was taken very young (29) and not after a long-illness, but rather by sudden death leaving him at 35 to care for for 2 small girls after 8 years of marriage. Truly a tragic story.

Still Iam divorced after 12 years and my story is equally tragic. My husband of 10 years who was also my best friend began a down-ward sprial of substance abuse leading to an affair – leaving me and our 5 year old son abandoned, AND I was 8 months pregnant. He also abadoned us fiancially. If anyone knows the pits of despair it is I. I have raised 2 boys alone all these years and financially it has been a struggle.

I have struggled for many years but have found myself 12 years later grounded in faith and hope. I am healed (although there are some scars) and ready to love again… so it possibly to rise from the ashes of tragedy — it’s about faith and determination to do so.

My widower even though the same time span cannot seem to move on. He has not really dated in 12 years (one short pseudo-relationship) and me… He says he cares deeply for me and wanted to date me exclusively etc… But his house is a shrine to the dead wife. Photos everywhere including hte bedroom after all these years. He even still has her clothes and other items in the basement in boxes. He refuses to take a single photo down and would rather loose our relationship than part with one thing that belonged to her.

I heard him tell me he was guilty when he went to her gravesite w/his dauthers (who by the way are now 20 and 17) because he was seeing the next day. He has told me he doesn’t know if he can every committ again. Yet when he is with me he tells me how special I am to him and how much he cares. He calls daily, sees me as often as we both can… is very passionate and attracted to me and he doesn’t want to see anyone else but me.

In the end- it was just not enough. Yes I care for him. Maybe beginning to fall in love. But I know he was no where near as ready emotionally as I… and I dont’ want to waste months and years on someone who after 12 years still cannot seem to let go of his past.

I understand he will alway love his LW… I wouldn’t want it differently – but I don’t always want to feel like a replacement, a filler, and live in her shadow and I certainly dont’ want to be confronted full on in the face by photos and belongings every time I am in his home.

To me long ago- before he began to date – he should have started to get rid of the clothes stored in the basement (they cannot be any good after 12 years!) and he could have started to give more of the photos to the girls for their rooms and started to minimze some fo the belongings. Particulary when he staretd bringing women (me) to the home. But that is my opinion. Others may disagree. To me he seems to be hanging on to his LW and unable to let these things go… its incredibly tragic. I believe he needs counseling but he refuses to get any. YOu can lead a hores to water but you cannot make him drink. If he will not help himself I certainly cannot help him.

Right now we are still talking, but he and I agree I will not wait for him and I will not longer be in a committed relatioship wiht him.

I have no idea (if ever) he will actually be able to finish his grieving process… I would welcome him if he did.. but until then I will live my life.

Maybe there is someone out there for me who will cherish me and make me #1 right away. Why settle for less?

It’s hard to let someone go you care for. I have had a hard few days since I ended things… I do miss him, but know it’s necessary for my own healthy and self- esteem, I don’t want to be anyone’s second best adn I want my man’s full love not a ghost of what is left over after all is given to the real ghost – his LW.

I cannot be a relationsihp that is all about “Him” and his widowhood. That is not why I dated or got into a relationship. I want a reciprocal relatoinship where both partners needs are honored and considered – not one above the others.

We all have pasts – I can deal with that but I cannot deal with a widower who insists on keeping his scars front and center in his life with refusal to truly move on regardless if it hurts the woman he is with now.

That is my story. I hope yours has a different outcome. Best wishes.

2 | Julie Donner Andersen
May 28, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Hi “Author”,

I am the author of a book for wives and girlfriends of widowers, entitled “PAST” Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey as the Wife of a Widower”. As well, I host The Official WOW/GOW Message Board at my website, juliedonnerandersen.com. Please feel free to use either/both as a reference for your readers. Thank you.

Julie Donner Andersen

3 | JULIET
April 19, 2009 at 10:14 am

WHAT A RELIEF TO FIND THIS SIGHT, I AM IN A SIMILAR SITUATION AND FELT LIKE I WAS GOING OUT OF MY MIND! I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME BEING OVERSENSITIVE BUT YOU HAVE SOOTHED MY ANXIETY AND I CAN’T THANK YOU ENOUGH. I HOPE THINGS ARE WORKING OUT FOR YOU AND I HOPE THEY WORK OUT FOR US TOO.

4 | Lisa Marie
March 19, 2009 at 1:02 pm

I have been dating a widower for about four months now. His wife died of breast cancer last year. He is very devoted and passionate about making us work. However, I feel like it’s other people who are now getting in the way. Others(friends,family) simply cannot move on. Confused…

5 | Brad Nielson
December 15, 2008 at 3:58 pm

You stated, “This weekend, it’s like he can’t stop bringing up her name and stories relating to her. It’s the “we used to . . .” and “she did this” and I don’t want to keep hearing about her! Especially since he hadn’t brought her up in a while.” Above.

The whole situation has to be rough on both of your guys and I can only imagine what it is that you both must be going through and for that, I am very sorry. I have found myself in a similar situation once, and things worked out. Try not to let this get you to insecure as it is a phase and it will pass. I’m sorry you are having to go through this.

6 | s
October 10, 2008 at 4:38 am

You have no need to love someone in grief. It becomes your grief. There are many loving men who will cherish YOU, give YOU a home, give YOU your own children, and YOU will be the memory, the stories, and the bride.

never a truer word spoken. please please think twice.

7 | erica
October 6, 2008 at 8:31 pm

thanks for writing. i’m severely invested in a widower’s life, he has two young children whom i take care of all day every day. reading your blog is interesting and informative.

8 | susanblue
September 20, 2008 at 12:23 pm

We are coming up on our third wedding anniversary, and I can’t truthfully say we will be together for it. His wife died in a tragic accident 5 years ago. We had known each other for 5 years at church before his wife died and started dating about 9 months after her death. I thought it was too soon, but he assured me that he was ready to move on.

The pictures appeared in “our” house about 3 months after the wedding. He withdraws for weeks at a time, especially around the anniversaries of events (that I’m supposed to remember).

He had an affair back in Jan-Feb. He will deny until he dies, but I read the emails and even if it wasn’t consummated, it was emotional. He fought to get me back, now it’s back to abandonment and withdrawal.

My advise – if you like riding a roll-a-coaster – keep your seat. Otherwise, the toll on your feelings of self-worth may be too high a price to pay.

9 | Glenda
September 9, 2008 at 9:38 am

Perfectgirl
Again, YOU are perfect. Nobody else but YOU. What a wonderful girl you are to agree to marry this man, with all of his baggage and all of his issues and here you are today, typing ….. unmarried ……and sad. I am sad for you.

It seems to me that this man needs to learn what is important and what is of value in this life. A memory? Or the physical presence of one awesome young lady, who not only agreed to marry him, but agreed to be a mother to his young son as well? You seem to have an awful lot of love in your heart for this man and only this man. Where is his reciprocation to you?

He has a choice to make. He needs to let go of the past in order to move forward. Why is his choice so difficult? I would seriously consider why this isn’t the happiest time in his life? He was supposed to be getting married! Is his grief getting in the way of this happiness? Many may say, “he needs more time”. Maybe that is true.

But, it will be during this “time” that you will continue to be hurt. In the long run, the price you will have had to pay, to get the prize (this man as your husband) may turn out to be too high.

I also believe I posted to you before to give him his space. Let him know what it feels like to not have you around for awhile. Maybe then, he’ll wake up and begin talking less about his first wife and start paying attention to the perfect woman who ANY man would be blessed to have as his ONLY wife.

Do not be fearful to place your needs first once in awhile. Afterall, marriage is a two way street. This cannot continue to be all about him, while you suffer in silence.

Hugs
Glenda

10 | Trina
September 8, 2008 at 4:45 pm

I’m so sorry this is so hard for you right now. I know how it feels to keep hearing her name, and how it can cut. Especially when you just want to feel like you’re #1. Please feel free to e-mail me…

Leave a Reply

To the WOW/GOW community:

I encourage you to leave a comment so others can benefit from your insight and questions. Many forums for wives and girlfriends of widowers/former widowers are not public. I am hoping that by being more public about what happens in our lives, others may be encouraged and some may become more understanding of what we experience. If you are concerned about your identity being discovered by people in your life, please use a screen name. (That's why I haven't disclosed by real name!) Thanks for listening and sharing. ~Author~

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