Yes…it’s nearly been a month since my last post.  So much has happened, I don’t know if I can fill you in on it all.  For those of you expecting regular posts – I’m sorry!  This blog is more about being a form of therapy, a place to sort things out.  I tend to do that when things aren’t going as well – and I find myself needing to do that today. (Somehow I need to find time to write about the happy stuff too so negativity isn’t my focus!)

So we’ve set a date!  We set it close to a month ago…it’s exciting and stressful all at once.  September 5th, 2008.  We both do not believe in long engagements – when you know, you just know.  I’ve got my dress, but not much else is planned.  It’s going to be a small ceremony with immediate family and friends, and a reception at our house following.  Just thought I’d update ya before I continue.

So the reason I’m writing today is I’m just not feeling like I’m doing well today.  My grandfather passed away last week, and I know that grief tends to make me hyper-sensitive. 

Last week Superman admitted that he was scared to marry me.  Not so much that he was scared of being married to me, but that there was no guarantee that I wouldn’t die.  He seems to have a hard time with long term plans, because he knows the stark reality that things could change in a flash.  Of course, in the middle of my grief, I heard that he was scared of being married to me.  Now I know it’s more of a fear of losing me.  We’ll be starting premarital counseling SOON.

I think what may be bothering me is reality is setting in for me.  I had been embracing so much being a mother, and then when Superman and I had our disagreement 2 months or so about that subject, I withdrew from Superboy emotionally and mentally.  Everytime my mind started to go there, I stopped myself as to protect myself from being hurt.  So instead of jumping to take care of him when I’ve been around Superman, Superboyand Superman’s parents, I’ve let Superman and Superman’s mom do a lot.  I’ve still played with him, but I’ve really been letting Superboy seek me out or Superman give that invitation.

Now Superman’s starting to call me Mommy to Superboy again.  Not all the time, but probably 50% of the time.  I think I may be scared to be a mother.  I don’t know if pregnant mothers ever go through this, but I’m starting to think of what the every day reality is going to be, and I’m wondering if I’m cut out for it.  I’m afraid I’ll be with him in a few months and something may happen where he’ll be inconsolable screaming for his grandmother (whom he calls “ma” right now) and I won’t be the one he runs to.  Only she’ll no longer be there and I’ll be powerless to do anything with a sobbing toddler.

I also believe that my grief has been magnifying everything.  The smallest things Superman has been doing has been getting to me, and I know logically it isn’t a big deal.  Like commenting on my hair – the other day he said something about keeping it off my face so people could see my beautiful face and I got upset thinking he didn’t like my hair.  Totally illogical, but it irked me nonetheless.  He also deleted the picutres off his digital camera after downloading them to his computer, and I had wanted to download them to mine as well.  There were also some of me in my wedding dress I didn’t want him to see, and had forgotten they were on there, so I got really upset that he saw them briefly.

As I’m writing this, I’m wondering if it’s upsetting me so much because I want to be able to keep some traditional aspects of the wedding and fearing I may get cheated out of something since this is not his first wedding and marriage.  One of those aspects would be not seeing the bride in the dress before the big day.  Hmmm….something to ponder.

Well, before this gets too long, I should get going.  Much to consider and work out.  In the midst of it all, I still believe that when it all comes down to it, things are going to be great.  I know this is the most difficult time, but I can’t get too bogged down in the negative.