I’ve decided that being with a widower is sort of like having two sets of in-laws.  I know we aren’t married yet, but anyway . . . future in-laws.

So I ended up going to Superman’s house on the day the late wife’s family was coming to see Superboy.  I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about being there; I wondered if I should leave before they arrived and I was pretty nervous.  They were originally supposed to come for lunch, but they called and asked if they could come around 3:30.  I don’t know why they wouldn’t take every opportunity to spend time with Superboy and come earlier in the day, but I probably shouldn’t go there.  Superman’s parents leave in the late afternoon to go back, so essentially they were only going to get an hour with Superboy.

Well, time ticked on, and they didn’t arrive until 4.  Superman’s mom, always the peacekeeper, was even getting a little irked that they were not making more of an effort to see Superboy.  They hadn’t spent time with him in 2 months – and then only have a half an hour with him?

So when they arrived, Superman’s parents and I kind of hung back a little so that Superboy would actually go to them instead of just running to us.  I brought Superboy towards the front door, and he hung back and was pretty shy.  His aunt picked him up after a few minutes and he began to cry.  Her daughter (who is 4) started saying over and over “He’s crying because he misses his mom!”  I’ve never had such ill will towards a 4 year old, even though I know she probably doesn’t know what she’s saying!!!  I almost wanted to go over there and take him and say, “No, he’s crying because he doesn’t know you!”  But of course I didn’t.

After she said it twice I went out to water the flowers.  I couldn’t stay outside because I ran out of things to do, so I went inside and just hung back and talked with Superman’s dad.  I felt so awkward being there.  They said hi to me, but I felt like an outsider.

After a half an hour, we said goodbye to Superboy and Superman’s parents, but the late wife’s family stayed.  They were all standing outside, chatting it up with Superman.  While I’ve known them for years, I’ve definately felt distanced since I started dating Superman.  Superman’s late wife came up in various ways, of course, making me feel even more like an outsider.  I just stood there for a while, saying nothing.  And then since we were all standing by the flower bed, I knelt down and picked some of the weeds I was noticing.  I then gave some excuse about getting bitten by mosquitoes to go inside because I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.

But on the positivie side, they were nice to me.  There were no major blow ups.  Not bad for my first time really being present while they’ve been around.  What was rough was just my feeling of not wanting to be in the conversation when they were talking to Superman.  And also just feeling like they are notmy family so I don’t want to act like they are.  I will let Superboy spend time with them and deal with it for his sake, but I’m not related to them!

So for the other set of in-laws, the ones who really are going to be my in-laws. . .

We were talking about Superman’s grandmother needing to move in with his parents.  His mother insisted that he was going to take care of her when she was old (even though she was complaining about her mother moving in temporarily.)  Superman made some joke about us not doing anything for her, and she turned to me and said, “Well ______ (late wife) promised she would take care of me and cook for me.  You inherited that!”  I just smiled and continued to play with Superboy, trying to figure out how to respond.  I swallowed my knee jerk reaction of asserting that I am my own woman, as my relationship with his parents is so new, and I think she would’ve gotten really upset.  As a social worker – I know it’s all about building repoir before the real confrontation comes out! 

So it was kind of a rough day for me.  Superman and I talked about it after everyone left.  He confided its hard on him too.  He feels like everyone is fighting for a piece of his son.  He said that the late wife’s mother now wants him for a week, but has only spent about 4 hours total with him in 3 months.  She doesn’t know him well enough to care for him. 

This is going to take some time to get used to all of this and figure out how to assert myself while maintaining peace.