am I to be mommy or aren’t I?

I’m not quite sure how to start this post, I’m still in quite a bit of pain.  I feel the need to get this out.  It’s regarding Superman and his view of my relationship with Superboy.

It actually started a few days ago when we were at the home improvement store.  He was looking at paint and such to decorate Superboy’s room.  It felt sad to me that he was not letting me be a part of it at all.  Lately I’ve been feeling like this boy is going to be my first child, and I’ll already have missed out on the first 2 years of his life, which makes me want to be a part of as much as I can.  Since I will be his mother and we plan for me to officially adopt him, I want the opportunity to do the things that mothers do.  With him currently living 4 hours away, one of the few things I can do is prepare his room for his return.

I brought this up with Superman, and he thought I was overstepping my bounds and being crazy.  From my perspective, since I’m going to be his mother, I’m going to jump in with both feet.  Not so from Superman’s perspective.  He is rigidly opposing me contriubuting to his room at all, stating he already has everything planned.  He said I was trying to be Superboy’s mother when I am not and that being a mother isn’t preparing his room and buying him clothes.  He said my only responsibility is to get to know his son.  We never really got that resolved, we just had to let it be.

So today he tells me that next weekend when Superboy is here that he’s planning to take him to the zoo.  I have a meeting in the morning, but he said I could come along if I get done in time.  Then Superboy has been invited to a birthday party, that I wasn’t sure I’d be invited to.  He said that I’d have to make plans for myself for Sunday because Superman was inviting the late wife’s mother over for dinner.

He then proceeded to tell me that I would not be coming with him on his next trip out of town to see Superboy.  It was like dropping two bombs at once.  So a few days ago, I’m told that my only responsibility, the only thing I’m allowed to do, is to get to know him.  Then I’m stripped of the opportunity to do so?

I told Superman that it hurt that I wouldn’t be able to spend time with Superboy, and that I felt like I was getting kicked out and being erased so that his late wife’s mother could spend time with him.  (I’m not saying she shouldn’t spend time with him).  He proceeded to tell me that I was acting like it was my right and priviledge to spend time with his son, when it was a privilege that was extended to me.  He said he has no obligation to allow me to see Superboy, and that he could chose to not let me spend any time with him while we are dating, but that he is allowing me to as a “shower” for me to gradually get used to being his mother instead of being thrown into the ocean after marriage.  He’s mad because he thinks I should just be supporting him in whatever decisions he makes about his son.  It scares me that he won’t listen to me at all even when we are married regarding parenting.  Maybe he’ll never refer to Superboy as “our” son.

I don’t get it.  If I am saying yes to this relationship, I can’t chose notto be this boy’s mother.  As you spend time in dating, wouldn’t that mean I have a right to spend some time with his son?  He almost made it sound like he could pull his son away from me at any given time.  And for the last few months, I’ve really been trying to get my mind in “mommy” mindset.  So it hurts because I’m growing in my love for Superboy.

I came home and wept hard.  I’ve felt a sense of loss and grief that I’ve missed the first part of his life.  I fear he’ll never run to me for comfort or call me mommy.  And now it seems as if Superman is withdrawing him from me.

It’s confusing, because when we’ve spent time together with the 3 of us, Superman has called me by my name to Superboy and he’s called me mommy to him.  Now I feel like I need to detach and withdraw myself to protect myself from this intense pain.  I feel so alone and wounded.  I’ve actually been looking forward to motherhood for a long time, I didn’t know my path towards it was going to be so complicated, twisted, and difficult.  I just want things to be normal, whatever that means.

I asked Superman if I’d get kicked out of the house after we are married and his late wife’s mother (I really should name her, I have a feeling I’m going to be talking about her a lot) come to visit.  The only response he had to that was that he was really upset and he would need to end the conversation.  I remember the last time she came, Superman’s parents removed all signs of me from the house and put all my pictures face down in his bedroom.  It took him 4 or 5 weeks to put any of them back up.  I wonder what drama will happen this time.