This past weekend I made the trip back to where I grew up. I saw my grandparents for the first time since they had found out about my relationship with Superman. My grandparents have a propensity for asking questions, and offering advice. They are always well intentioned, but at times it is draining for me to hear what they have to say.
So of course the conversation continually steered towards my relationship with Superman. They asked how his wife died, how long ago it was, commented how I’m like a visitor in Superboy’s life, and stated that Superman would likely need at least 6 more months to grieve. They compared it to how long it took my aunt to grieve the loss of her 21 year old daughter, and how it took her years.
I know that they were trying to be helpful and they are just interested in my life, but it’s hard to hear that they believe that I’m a visitor in Superboy’s life and that Superman has to grieve more. Even though I’ve talked with my parents about how there are more things than just this that we disagree with my grandparents on, it’s hard to let it go in one ear and out the other.
After I got back from my visit with them, I found myself wondering, “Why do I feel the need to justify the relationship?” Is this a sign that I don’t believe it’s valid? That we are still dating too soon? I noticed that even in talking with my sisters over the weekend that I felt the need to explain the relationship.
A while back, Superman and I had set a date for a wedding, only to cancel it. We had some things to work out in the relationship, and we both wanted to accomplish somethings financially before we got married and consolidated households, so we have put off setting a date until he gets a new job. So I have family asking when we are going to set a date and making all these assumptions about why we have not re-set the date, and I feel like I need to defend myself, and say “It’s really ok - we are going to get married - he does love me and he’s ready for me even though he’s a widower!” Even though I don’t say it in those words.
It’s probably not as bad as I’m making it, and my immediate family is very understanding. I think they may have concerns at times, wanting me to have the best out of life and wondering if that will happen with a widower. It’s gotten better as time has gone on, but I definately got my share of cautions earlier on. One of my friends was concerned I was the “rebound” woman and would only get burned.
The other reason today really affected me is I didn’t want to talk about the late wife. It was Memorial Day, and I was hoping to go to the cemetery to my cousin’s grave, but I ended up feeling so drained from the visit (and other unrelated family things that I won’t blog about) that I didn’t go. Rehashing how the late wife died and such was not exactly my idea of a good time. That is one thing I have yet to learn how to do: effectively answer questions about the late wife without getting too deep into it and not allowing it to drain me.
I may need to explore this issue more; I shouldn’t feel the need to justify why I am in a relationship. If any of you out there have some tips for dealing with the questions of friends and family - I’m all ears!
