One thing I’ve been turning over in my mind of late is balancing my needs with allowing room for Superman’s late wife’s memory to be honored.
I knew her, and she was an amazing woman. Makes me feel a touch guilty at times when thoughts come to mind wishing she hadn’t been so great, but there’s no denying she was. A great woman deserves to be honored, to not be forgotten.
But how can it be done so my “territory” is not infringed upon? So that I feel like my future husband actually is my husband and not another’s? I have a feeling these questions might take years to answer. They’ll be answered as we live life.
Is the answer to having pictures of her around the house that I have just as many or more pictures of me? of him and me? of the 3 of us? Currently a picture is on the fridge of Superman and Superboy that his aunt sent. I know that it was taken either before or after the funeral. In the background, you can see clearly all the pictures of her on the mantle, even though the mantle has been rearranged and pictures taken down. I dislike the picture because I can see the pain on his face.
But boundaries are something I like to have clear. I’m a social worker – we specialize in proper boundaries!!! So not knowing my place in relationship to her memory is strange. I’ve talked to her at times. I felt like I violated her kitchen a little bit this weekend when I was cooking while Superman was gone. So before I realized it, I had apologized to her out loud. When I first started dating Superman, I thought I might need to go visit the cemetary to talk to her. I may go sometime soon, of course I’d go alone.
Sometimes I guess I need to live in the gray.
I went to the cemetery once, too. Alone, of course. It helped me finalize the fact that she was no longer here. Her memory will always be here…the things he learned from her and because of her, the boys. They are a part of him. Just like the people I have lost in my life (whether through death or the end of a relationship) will always be a part of who I am. They make up ME. But people are afraid for someone’s memory to be forgotten and so the easiest thing to do is to make things, pictures or dates be how they honor or remember someone. I think the best way to honor someone’s memory is to take the things you learned from them and because of them, and be the best person you can be and move forward. That was the hardest thing for my husband to do.