This is part of a letter I wrote today….I thought I’d post it since it’s describing how I feel today.
” Right now I’m frustrated because it seems as if I’m back in the situation I left in my old relationship. [I was in a relationship for 5 years that never went anywhere.] The “I love you, I want to marry you, but I want to do A, B, & C first and I want to be financially stable”. He refuses to set a date!!!! How can he go from wanting to get married as soon as possible to whenever? The date could be the end of this year or into next – I just want to know that this is something he wants to work towards for sure. It’s not only frustrating, but it hurts. I’m also concerned that he still has it in his head that maybe he doesn’t want to remarry at all and that it’ll be just him and his son; that hurts as well.
I’m also not sure if he’s ready to make me his wife. Lately when he’s told me how he loves me and says sweet things – he always adds “on earth”. It’s hard for me to recieve his love when he feels the need to qualify it. (example “You are the only woman on earth for me” ) I told him that it bothered me when he used that phrase and it told me it was intentional, because he’s only had 5 months with me and had 7 years with her. It’s like I’m his “earth” woman and his heart is still with his late wife in heaven. Do I have to spend 7 years with him before he’ll truly love me?
I know he will always have memories of her and she will be a part of our lives especially because of the son they had together. I believe that if he truly was ready for marriage he wouldn’t specify his love. I deserve to be the number one woman even though he is a widower. I’ve been doing a lot of research and talking online with other wives of widowers to try to help myself with some of these issues, and I know it’s possible for a widower to truly be with his new wife. Right now if feels like his ranking is his son, his late wife . . . . . . . . . . . . . . me.
In all openness, it’s hard for me to talk about my feelings regarding him and his late wife and my position because I’m scared that you or others will view me as cold hearted and dishonoring her memory. Or that when I really need help to work through it, people are just going to tell me to get through it by thinking about how wonderful she was and how we need to preserve her memory, or to think about how her family must feel. That doesn’t do any good when I’m in pain, and the man I love isn’t giving me his heart.
Since this is becoming a short story, I’ll end here. Thanks for listening. “
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
I recently found this website. In the past, I had been reading Abel Keough’s blog, which has also been helpful. I have been married to a widower for 9 yrs. now and we’ve been together for a total of 15 yrs. I was the 1st person he dated after his wife passed away. I had a 4 yr. old son, and later the two of us had 2 of our own children. We have been through alot of up’s and down’s and it is NOT easy being with a widower. It is complicated, to say the least, but something that Abel said in one of his blogs was that a widower or their family should treat us delicately as well, because it would also be inappropriate for old girlfriends to be brought up in the mannor that they do with the wives that have passed on. If people would just be more aware of our feelings and maybe just communicate their feelings and thoughts about the person who has passed on to the widower, only, then it would be so much easier for us!!!! It takes a very special person to be with a widower, and it is a complicated endeavor, and sadly there is not enough info. out for all of us to read, so every little piece is helpful!!! Everyone hang in there and do the best that you can, I have found that no matter what, communication and understanding is key and for inappropriate behavior to be immediately NIPPED in the bud!!!
So I have been looking EVERYWHERE online for something just like the blog you have. I was pleasantly surprised when I came across yours. I feel like you know everything that I am going through. I have such a hard time with dating a widower and I think as our relationship grows in time, it’s becoming a harder and harder thing to deal with. I just want to say thank you for putting yourself out there and being the exact thing that I needed. I just wanted to feel like someone else out there in this messed up world knows what I am going through. Well, I am going to go read all the rest of your entries!
Thank you!
thanks for sharing these things so openly, even at the risk of sounding “cold.” someone has to get this out there so other WOWs feel normal and have support. i talked with a friend last night who will be marrying a widower with a 4yr old son next month and she was addressing some of these exact issues. i don’t know anyone else in this situation all i can offer is an ear to listen. i searched around and found this blog and told her about it. i know this will be a great reference to her as you are a couple steps ahead of where she is. thanks a ton!