the hard work of marriage
Posted by: Author on: August 18, 2009
To update you since my last post, he randomly asked me what was on my mind one day so I asked him why he’s a fan of the Lymphoma group on Facebook. He said he saw that a friend became a fan so he did as well. So it wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought.
Today I am feeling like a terrible wife. The problem is I’m not sure how I can become better. For some time now, Superman and I have conversations that follow this basic outline:
Superman: You don’t flirt with me or have passion for me like you used to. You used to make me feel desired.
Me: I’m trying to be better. I do love you.
Superman: I feel rejected by you.
Superman: I think you are subconsciously trying not to be like Late Wife. She treated me this way and that way, and you know that, so you are trying not to be her.
Me: Yes, I have stated I am not her in some areas – namely cooking. I’m not trying to be nasty to you since she adored you.
Superman: I rank behind Superboy, your job, and at times the housework.
Me: (silence)
He’s got some good points. At times I feel like my life is one giant task list, and my brain will not shut off from thinking about all the things I should or could be doing. Especially since up to this point I have not cared for this size of a house, a dog, and a child, since we’ve been married it feels like I have mountains of work to do.
I’ve never really been a flirt, and I don’t know that I know how to flirt with my husband. It’s like my mind doesn’t conceive of what I should say or do. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I just don’t know how to give him what he’s looking for in that area.
As for the Late Wife issue, I don’t know that I am qualified to psychoanalyze myself. Applying my master’s in social work degree to myself has not always worked in the past, so I don’t know if I dare to try now! I wonder if other WOWs have come across this issue. In their trying to be true to themselves they take it so far that they begin leaving off basic good qualities that the Late Wife exhibited. I’m sure the pendulum could swing either way – I’ve read postings of WOWs going to the extreme of being grief counselors, I bet the spectrum goes as far as WOWs desparately trying to maintain their own identity at the expense of the relationship.
Marriage sure is hard work, I’m sure no matter who you are married to!
Making peace
Posted by: Author on: July 26, 2009
Before my husband’s late wife passed away, I had a good relationship with her sister. Her sister was 15 years younger than her (she was adopted) and I taught her Sunday School. She always came to hug me when she saw me at church and would laugh and joke with me.
When it came out that I was dating her former brother-in-law, that all changed. She ignored me for quite some time. As my relationships with many people dramatically shifted at that time, I chose to let this one go and reminded myself that it wasn’t about me. As hard as that is sometimes, it’s good to remember that people react because of their own emotional roller coaster and we do not need to get on that ride.
After Superman and I married, it was hard for her to figure out what all had happened. She didn’t understand if Superman was still her brother, if I was now her sister, etc. (She has some learning challenges). One day at church she came up to me and asked a lot of hard questions that I could tell had been plaguing her. She asked who was taking care of Superboy and I explained to her that I live with Superman and Superboy now and so I was taking care of him. She asked a few more questions and said more or less that it had been hard for her since her sister passed away and seeing me be part of their family. I listened to her with grace, as I could tell she was genuinely trying to work through everything that had happened and was not trying to dump on me.
That was probably about 7 months ago. Since then we had talked at church more and she was back to coming to give me hugs. A month or so ago, she shared with me that she was going to live with another sister out of state to go to a special high school. Her mother came to me and asked if we could spend some time together before she left as a time to make things right before she left.
So we met at Perkins after work and I had dinner with the late wife’s sister and mother. We had a pretty good time, talking about her move, about the silly things Superboy has been doing, and how her mother embarrasses her as a teenager. When her mother stepped away to take a phone call, she said that Superman doesn’t talk to her as much anymore and that she misses how he and his late wife would spend time with her and make jokes. To some degree I have noticed that at times she tries to put me in that role, although I never fulfill that role in any way that doesn’t feel true to who I really am. I listened and the subject passed. She is gradually forming her new reality and beginning to understand how things will be now.
I was touched by her gesture of peacemaking, and glad that she could have more closure before she moved.
the cost of marrying a widower
Posted by: Author on: May 15, 2009
In some of my research on being a wife of a widower, one topic that I don’t believe has gotten a lot of press is the financial impact of the tragedy they endured, especially if the late wife passed from a sickness. While the economy seems to be on everyone’s mind lately, I think many women may fail to realize the extent that a widower’s life may be affected above and beyond our current recession.
Superman’s late wife was sick with cancer on an off for 6 years, and at times with no medical coverage. We still get letters and bills from pharmacies and lawyers of unpaid debt. He went back to work too soon after her death, only taking 2 weeks off. When he returned to work he could not focus and made many mistakes. About 7-8 months after she passed, Superman lost his job. One day they discovered a mistake that was a final straw and they sent him home within the hour. He spent some time unemployed (while we were dating) and gained new employment only to lose it 2 months after our marriage, which also happened to be right before Christmas.
Currently he has a promise of a financial advisor job. However, after seeing his credit that was devastated by all these medical bills, they have had to request a special allowance from a faraway corporate office. This office hasn’t gotten back to us for 3 months. He has written a letter explaining his circumstance with his late wife and that it wasn’t due to his own negligence, but now it seems uncertain if they will accept his explanation or not.
Needless to say, this puts a lot of stress on a 6 month marriage. He receiveds some disability payments as he was discharged from the Air Force 10 years ago due to a back injury, but I am the only income earner and we still own the condo I lived in before I married him. The house we live in has been in and out of foreclosure over the last 6 months. The week I had my miscarriage, our electricity got shut off 3 days after our ER visit. We only got it back on by giving the electric company our mortgage payment.
The financial state of our family has sent my husband into a depression. We aren’t dealing with grief or him pining after his late wife. Her presence is felt in a very different way. He has lost hope, and we talk very little these days. He was supportive for several days after the miscarriage, but having our power shut off pushed him over the edge. He’s withdrawn and he seems to have given up on trying to make things better. It’s to the point that we do not even seem to be like friends anymore, we just happen to live together. When I return from work, sometimes Superboy is still in his pajamas and Superman hasn’t showered. It’s hard to leave for work knowing that my husband’s mental state is so low.
I’ve been praying for a miracle. That is what it is going to take to heal my husband, and to get our family on course again. And I believe that with God, all things are possible.
Another Loss
Posted by: Author on: May 12, 2009
Another reason I had not been posting much over the last few months is because I was pregnant. Yes, was. At the end of April I miscarried my first child at approximately 12 weeks.
The pregnancy had been rather difficult from the beginning. Almost as soon as we realized I was pregnant, I began spotting. So after several tests, ultrasounds, and worried nights, the doctors determined the baby was ok. They assured me many women bleed in their first trimester. One of the most magical moments was when the baby was about 6-7 weeks, we saw and heard his heartbeat. It’s somewhat weird being a mother, but not ever having carried a baby inside me. The process my body was going through was just amazing to me. As crazy as it may sound I was starting to feel like I was going to be a real mother.
Then the bleeding intensified. I called a nurse in a panic, she advised me to take it easy and said bluntly, “At this point, whatever’s happening is happening, you can’t do anything to change it.” Still I hoped for the best. The next day it got worse and I told my husband we were going to the ER.
Because of Superman’s late wife battling cancer and being in and out of the hospital, I’ve always hated the idea of bringing him to the hospital or doctor, almost fearing it would trigger something in him. As we sat eating breakfast before we left for the ER, the look on his face made my heart sink. I asked him what he was thinking. He said, “I don’t want to go through this again.” He had lost a baby with his late wife. I almost decided to go the ER alone, but we headed out the door with Superboy in tow and went to the same hospital he lost his first child at.
I went through a painful physical exam and then an ultrasound. I hated that they wouldn’t let me see the screen. I just wanted to see my baby. We waited and waited for the doctor to return to give the results.
Even writing this two weeks later is difficult. After he said that the baby only measured at 6 weeks and there was no cardiac activity I don’t remember much else. I know I started sobbing and my husband moved closer to me to try to comfort me. Superboy kept asking, “What’s wrong with mommy? Why’s mommy crying?” After signing some papers we headed out the door.
Superman was incredibly supportive, he offered to call my mother as I didn’t want to talk at all. He really was amazingly strong and supportive those first few days. It’s having more of an effect on him now, I’ll elaborate in future posts.
I don’t know if other WOWs have experienced this, but somehow I thought I’d be immune to some of these loses myself. As if since my husband already lost a wife (and a baby) that God wouldn’t put him through it again. I guess miscarriages aren’t like lightning. They can strike in the same place twice.
My first Mother’s Day
Posted by: Author on: May 11, 2009
Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has been a whirlwind as I adjust to married life, being a mommy, and all that has come along with it. Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for many who are with a widower or former widower, so I thought I’d squeeze in the time to share my story.
A few days ago, the mother of my husband’s late wife made a point of wishing me a happy mother’s day. She told me that I was a good mother to Superboy and she thanked me for all that I was doing for her grandson. A while back, our relationship had been really strained, so it’s wonderful progress that she is going out of her way to wish me a happy mother’s day. She recently finished painting a portrait of Superboy as a baby with his mother. She showed it to me (and posted a picture on Facebook). When Superboy saw it he said, “that’s momma!” and kept playing. He’ll be three is July and he always identifies pictures of her as momma, and he calls me mommy. Some day I think it will click in his mind and we are going to have to answer a lot of questions.
A few weeks ago, Superboy was informing me that I was not his mother. In my mind I began to panick and think, oh my goodness, this can’t be happening so soon! He can’t be denying me as his mother as such a young age! He’s got to be at least 7 or 8 before this issue arises! He went on to inform me that I was his mommy, not his mother 
. So I almost had an enormous overreaction becasue of the weird way preschoolers understand the English langugage!
Months ago, Superman had told me that he and Superboy would go to the cemetery on Mother’s Day to honor her as his birth mother and that she was his mother for the first year of his life. He ended up not going. After we went out to eat the whole family laid down for a nap and he didn’t go. I had been dreading Mother’s Day for that very reason, not wanting to be left alone at the house and feeling like I was getting jipped on Mother’s Day having to share the day with another woman. I know that they may go in the future, but at least for this year it was not an issue I needed to deal with.
Superman told me that I was a special mother, as I have taken on the responsibility of nurturing a child I didn’t birth and I have loved him and cared for him as my own. He seemed particularly thankful for me. I was concerned that the day might bring up old grief issues, but it didn’t.
I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day, and were able to work through the many issues that come up with a holiday such as this.
What you are sharing: