As I have so wonderfully observed, I usually only turn to this blog when I need to vent.  My lack of writing means that things have been going well, and, well……busy.  Here’s a summation:

Premarital counseling continued, great progress made! Superman and I took a day trip to the lake and had the greatest time.  Superboy moved home and is calling me “mommy” and has been attaching well.  I love that boy so much.  We discovered a caterpillar the other day.  He calls it a “at-perd” since he can’t say caterpillar.  It warms my heart to hear him call me mom.  But moving along…things have been going well….

And then this weekend happened.  Superman’s parents came to visit.  I told him it wasn’t a good idea.  They were the ones who had cared for Superboy for the last year.  Frankly, I believe they spoil Superboy and are only attached to him because they have no love in their own lives.  A two year old gives attention to the one who feeds him, so thus they feel loved.  Not exactly a healthy relationship.

We’ve talked and talked about it.  How they are too negative.  How they spoil Superboy.  How they do not support Superman.  How they guilt-trip him.  How they do not agree with our religious beliefs.  How manipulative they are.

However, he still felt obligated to let them come and see Superboy since they cared for him.  I am of the belief that he doesn’t owe them anything.  If anything, them helping out with Superboy was the least they could do after the abusive childhood Superman endured.

Yet he still feels guilted into giving in to them.  And I am somewhat concerned that he still welcomes them into his home when he says he doesn’t agree with them.  And even though they are nice to me, I know they don’t approve of us moving forward with the relationship any time soon.  Why would he welcome someone like that around, even if it is your own parents?

To add insult to injury: today would have been his and his late wife’s wedding anniversary.  He’s not answering my calls.

So after a crappy future in-laws weekend of negativity, I can’t reach him on the phone.  And all I want to do is hug him.  I love that man so much it hurts.  Is it tough when he has days like this?  YES.  But I love him anyway and I know that the grief cycle will get less and less painful.  Anniversaries are hard.  I can’t fault him for a bad day or two when the rest of the time he is a very loving person towards me.

So, just needed to vent.  I’ll do my best to actually post when things are going well, but no promises!!

For the last several months, Superman and I have been doing really well in regards to the whole “widower thing” (for lack of a better phrase).  I’d gotten past a lot of my insecurities, his grief was not apparent, and he even reported that he was getting his passion back.  He was feeling more productive, excited about his career, and planning for the future.

So I thought to myself “Yay! We’re through the worst!  Finally, I don’t have to feel claustrophobic in this relationship at all!”  I’d been moving in my stuff, and her presence wasn’t so strong in his house as we have been preparing for marriage and for me to move in.

This weekend, it’s like he can’t stop bringing up her name and stories relating to her.  It’s the “we used to . . .”  and “she did this” and I don’t want to keep hearing about her!  Especially since he hadn’t brought her up in a while.

So we went out to eat today, and after we sat down I realized I had sat in a place that allowed Superman to see the TV.  I said something about needing to learn how to position myself in a restaurant to eliminate the competitition from the TV.  He said that it’s a skill that will take me years to develop, and relayed how it took his late wife a long time to remember to look for TVs.  In the car on the way to the restaurant, her name came up in a story as well. 

We were about two thirds through our meal, and he offered for me to try some of his.  I did and thought it was much better than my food.  He insisted that we switch, and I agreed after he convinced me.  He began to say something and stopped.  I asked him to continue, and then he began to say how he’s used to it because his late wife always liked the food he ordered better.

I teared up, stopped eating, and thankfully the bill came soon after.  I asked why her name keeps coming up.  He said it was this time of year when he spoke with her for the last time before she was in the hospital in a coma.  (She died in October).

So I closed myself off, we rode home in silence.  He said that if we have to spend less time together in coming weeks, he’ll understand and he doesn’t expect me to hear all his reminiscing.  I feel like I need to protect myself, I wonder if his love for me is stronger than the love he feels for her.  I’m too afraid to know.  Here we are, on a journey towards marriage (were supposed to already be married!) and he’s talking about spending less time together!  Maybe it’s a good thing we aren’t yet married, because we would have had the first two months of marriage dealing with the anniversary of her being in the hospital, slipping into the coma, her death, and their wedding anniversary.

So he’s in the other room watching football, and I’m sitting in here typing.  Intellectually, I know it can and it will get better.  It will.  My emotions are screaming right now wanting to know if I’m destined for a relationship that is less than I want the rest of my life.  I’ve been in a lot of cognitive/emotional fights in my mind lately, and I know it’s the cognitive that needs to win.

So I told you all I was supposed to marry Superman 2 days ago.  It didn’t happen.

Approximately two weeks ago, after reflection in premarital counseling and based on the advice of our pastor, we postponed the wedding indefinitely.

I am telling you all for several reasons: 1) For you women out there that feel pressure to follow through with a date because you have a dress, the flowers, and people coming from out of town - IT’S NOT WORTH IT!  At the end of the day, they won’t have to live in your marriage, and material things don’t matter.  You can postpone or cancel if something is telling you that something is not right!  2)  It’s about the marriage and not the wedding.

We are postponing due to the fact that we are having some challenges with communicating that seemed to be intensifying the closer we got to marriage.  Superman also lost his job, putting significant financial challenges on us as well.  We don’t want to start out our marriage struggling if we have the opportunity to make it better, and we do through continued counseling.  I could say more…..I’ll refrain from that for right now.

So, I just want to say that for any brides out there that might be thinking they cannot postpone a date because of all their plans.  I’m just letting you know - you can do it and be ok!

Is it hard?  YES!  I’m not thrilled with the idea that I could have been married right now and I’m not.  And everyone and their mother has an opinion about it, and feels the desperate need to find out “what’s wrong”.  But it’s not “what’s wrong” but what we can get right.  It’s hard living in a degree of uncertainty, but I am choosing to look at this as an opportunity to have a greater marriage, and a greater chance at lasting happiness.

So if you find yourself in the situation……..be encouraged.  Do the right thing for you, and not for everyone else.

It’s amazing that it’s only 3 weeks until the wedding!  It seems unreal.

I’m continuing to move stuff into the house.  It’s really starting to feel like my home now that we are getting things unpacked.  I go around the house and get pleasantly surprised to see my familiar things in a new place.  I’ll be moving even more this weekend.

What also has been feeling good lately is realizing how good we are for each other.  We both are what the other person needs in order to become who God has called us to be.  In premarital counseling we are discovering things about each other that we didn’t know.  I cause him to think and evaluate some of the things he does that is birthed out of some of the dysfunction he grew up in, and he does the same for me.  In this process of becoming one, we are learning where the other has challenges and how we can help them to grow. 

I must say that it is also a load off my mind to hear my pastor say that I am a better fit for Superman than his previous wife.  He said it because she used to fuss about some of the things that he did, but I hold him accountable.

Soon I’ll be having a bridal shower with women from my church.  It’s hard to decide who to invite, because I do not wish for his late wife’s family to be there, but I don’t want them to be the only ones who are not invited.  It’s a fine line to figure out.  I am looking forward to it though.

Hopefully you all understand my lack of posts - it’s a busy time of moving, preparing, etc.!

Superman and I started premarital counseling two weeks ago.  If you are considering marriage at all, it is a MUST!  I think it’s also a must to have counseling from someone who has a successful marriage.  My pastor is probably the best premarital counselor in the region, and it has been unbelievable.  What has been amazing (and difficult) is to have someone in the room that can moderate, translate, and correct while Superman and I are in some intense conversations.  My pastor knows both of us pretty well, so he also helps the two of us understand each other and he knows where our challenges are.

I talked about how I had lingering concerns about being second rate or second best.  I was finally set free from that feeling!  My pastor walked me through how Superman had been taking steps to make me number one.  He knew Superman’s late wife, and he said that if roles were reversed, and she was sitting in premarital counseling with Superman, she wouldn’t be thinking about me!  My pastor also said that I was the best woman for him.  He is very straight forward, and told me I need to get over Superman’s late wife’s death.

Which is true.  I can’t make it bigger than what it is.  I know I have some emotional and mental work to do in figuring out how I honor her place in giving birth to my future son and what role I will have in teaching him about her.  But as far as my role as a significant other/wife, I’ve got to move on.

So wedding planning can be a LOT of work.  I’m trying to do most of it myself, as my mother lives 4 hours away and Superman isn’t crazy about it.  I check in with him once in a while about stuff, but I really haven’t asked him to do much.  So far I’ve asked him to set up our pre-marital counseling, talk to my sister about hotels, and check on some food options for the reception.  The hotel thing I ended up getting pulled into anyway, we still haven’t gotten pre-marital counseling set up, and he’s done nothing for the food.

This past weekend we had some big arguments about it.  I felt like he was not being helpful or supportive, and he thought we were planning too much for one day and not for a marriage.  He said all I wanted to talk about recently was the wedding (not true).  I told him it didn’t need to be one or the other, and it could be both.  So we recently sat down and talked about our goals for our marriage and family for 2009.  It’s something I wanted to do, and it seemed to make him feel better about things.  It’s also good to know that we are on the same page in many areas regarding family planning, financial planning, etc.

I know our culture makes weddings into commercial events and sets up girls from the time they are little to expect certain things for a wedding.  Since we are planning a wedding within a 3 month time frame, I’ve accepted that some things aren’t going to happen like every girl dreams.  However, there are still some things I want to have; I just wish I had support.  In some ways it feels to me like since he’s been through this before, he has less tolerance for it.  He says he’s trying to keep everything simple to protect me and keep the stress off of me, but it ends up stressing me out more because I want to have certain things for the wedding and I end up planning by myself thinking he’s against it.  I also fear I’m going to get cheated out of things (not only in this area, I know this is something I need to work on) being the second wife.

*Sigh*  Sometimes I wonder why one of the biggest and happiest milestones in my life is marked by so much stress and at times so little joy.  Wedding planning sucks.  It’s a good thing it’s all about the marriage and not about the event.

As all women with widowers know, “her” stuff can be a source of irritation, pain, arguments, and . . . well, just general unpleasantness.  I have told Superman that the house needs to be in order with her stuff dealt with before I can move in, and with the wedding fast approaching I had been getting concerned.

Until he called me a few days ago and announced he’d prepared a place in the garage for my car.  Her car had issues, and had just been sitting there waiting for the late wife’s sister to pick up and fix.  Well, she hadn’t been following through, so he had it hauled out so I’d be able to park in the garage.

And then the next time I was at the house, he said he’d been working on sorting through her stuff and preparing the master bedroom.  I was pleasantly surprised, as it had been a little while since I had mentioned this issue.  So her stuff is finally cleared out of the shelf beside the bed and there’s only one remaining box of her clothes in the closet.  He said he’s sorting through stuff and limiting things to 3 boxes he’ll keep in the basement, besides the pictures that are already up of her and Superboy.

Generally speaking, I was very encouraged.  Since it’s still mid-process, it’s a little unnerving to me when I come across her drivers license or other personal affects that had been in drawers, but he has out because he’s sorting. 

On the other side of things, we are starting to pack up my house and decide what we are keeping.  Even though he has a lot of kitchen stuff, etc., I find myself wanting to keep stuff just because it’s mine.  It would clutter the kitchen, it all functions the same, but part of me just wants to have my own stuff and not all things that belonged to the two of them together.  Kinda crazy to think of holding onto a stainless steel mixing bowl just because I was the original owner when he has probably 4+ bowls.  But then again, not really.  I know I need to keep some things to make it feel like my house and not just a house I live in.

Blending households, blending families . . . I look forward to the day when things are seamless.

So Superman, Superboy and I did the 4 hour drive to see my parents, sisters, brother-in-law and kids.  It was the first time any of them had met Superboy, and the first time my sister and her family had met Superman.  I have to say it went better than I ever expected.

My family has been so supportive and encouraging through all the stages of this relationship.  They were so excited to meet my new family.  Superboy can be really shy, and had been really upset about so many people wanting to talk to him when we were at church, so I wasn’t sure how a new situation and new people would go.

But it went great.  My family was really patient and slowly and surely Superboy warmed up to them.  My parents live on a farm so we were about to go outside and see baby kittens, take a ride in the tractor (Superboy was a little scared of that one), and have all of those opportunities for him to bond with my dad and sister.  We had a great time taking the kids to the park and swimming, and it allowed Superboy to relax enough to open up a little.

Superman really dumped the “mommy” responsibilities on me this weekend.  At times it was a little overwhelming, but I couldn’t really complain because it was what I wanted all along.  I put him to sleep two nights (once with Superman, once without) and I managed to endure the crying.  I changed my fair share of the dirty diapers, packed the bags, remembered the sippy cups, and did a pretty good job if I don’t say so myself!  It was rather draining, however.  There was a time or two he was having a break down and it was scary to feel powerless to do anything to stop him from crying.

But he’s calling me “mommy” to Superboy all the time now and teaching him that’s who I am - even in front of his parents!  I’m glad he’s feeling less of a need to protect them and more focused on us becoming a family.

It was also great to have time with Superman and Superboy away from Superman’s parents.  Every time they are around, Superboy runs to them, and Superman doesn’t agree 100% with how they have been choosing to care for Superboy, so it can be stressful at times.  When we were with my family, Superboy actually cuddled with me to fall asleep with his nap and wasn’t running to grandma every 5 minutes.

What was amazing was how normal things seemed at times (besides the overwhelmed feeling).  Superman fits in with my family amazingly well.  It wasn’t weird to see him with my family.  Other men that have met my family before always seemed a little awkward when they spent time with us.  Superboy loved playing with my niece, and actually was pulling her into the other room to play - he’s never initiated play with other children before!  Superman commented to me while the kids were playing that it looks like they could be related - and he was pretty pleased about that.  It warmed my heart to hear that and just to watch how seemlessly things seemed to flow.

I’m still feeling a little scared to be a mommy, probably more than I ever have.  I’m beginning to realize how exhausting parenting can be, and I wonder how it will impact Superman and I as a newly wedded couple.  Will we still get the time we need as a couple?  I certainly hope so, and I know that we will need to be very intentional about the time we spend together.

Yes…it’s nearly been a month since my last post.  So much has happened, I don’t know if I can fill you in on it all.  For those of you expecting regular posts - I’m sorry!  This blog is more about being a form of therapy, a place to sort things out.  I tend to do that when things aren’t going as well - and I find myself needing to do that today. (Somehow I need to find time to write about the happy stuff too so negativity isn’t my focus!)

So we’ve set a date!  We set it close to a month ago…it’s exciting and stressful all at once.  September 5th, 2008.  We both do not believe in long engagements - when you know, you just know.  I’ve got my dress, but not much else is planned.  It’s going to be a small ceremony with immediate family and friends, and a reception at our house following.  Just thought I’d update ya before I continue.

So the reason I’m writing today is I’m just not feeling like I’m doing well today.  My grandfather passed away last week, and I know that grief tends to make me hyper-sensitive. 

Last week Superman admitted that he was scared to marry me.  Not so much that he was scared of being married to me, but that there was no guarantee that I wouldn’t die.  He seems to have a hard time with long term plans, because he knows the stark reality that things could change in a flash.  Of course, in the middle of my grief, I heard that he was scared of being married to me.  Now I know it’s more of a fear of losing me.  We’ll be starting premarital counseling SOON.

I think what may be bothering me is reality is setting in for me.  I had been embracing so much being a mother, and then when Superman and I had our disagreement 2 months or so about that subject, I withdrew from Superboy emotionally and mentally.  Everytime my mind started to go there, I stopped myself as to protect myself from being hurt.  So instead of jumping to take care of him when I’ve been around Superman, Superboyand Superman’s parents, I’ve let Superman and Superman’s mom do a lot.  I’ve still played with him, but I’ve really been letting Superboy seek me out or Superman give that invitation.

Now Superman’s starting to call me Mommy to Superboy again.  Not all the time, but probably 50% of the time.  I think I may be scared to be a mother.  I don’t know if pregnant mothers ever go through this, but I’m starting to think of what the every day reality is going to be, and I’m wondering if I’m cut out for it.  I’m afraid I’ll be with him in a few months and something may happen where he’ll be inconsolable screaming for his grandmother (whom he calls “ma” right now) and I won’t be the one he runs to.  Only she’ll no longer be there and I’ll be powerless to do anything with a sobbing toddler.

I also believe that my grief has been magnifying everything.  The smallest things Superman has been doing has been getting to me, and I know logically it isn’t a big deal.  Like commenting on my hair - the other day he said something about keeping it off my face so people could see my beautiful face and I got upset thinking he didn’t like my hair.  Totally illogical, but it irked me nonetheless.  He also deleted the picutres off his digital camera after downloading them to his computer, and I had wanted to download them to mine as well.  There were also some of me in my wedding dress I didn’t want him to see, and had forgotten they were on there, so I got really upset that he saw them briefly.

As I’m writing this, I’m wondering if it’s upsetting me so much because I want to be able to keep some traditional aspects of the wedding and fearing I may get cheated out of something since this is not his first wedding and marriage.  One of those aspects would be not seeing the bride in the dress before the big day.  Hmmm….something to ponder.

Well, before this gets too long, I should get going.  Much to consider and work out.  In the midst of it all, I still believe that when it all comes down to it, things are going to be great.  I know this is the most difficult time, but I can’t get too bogged down in the negative.

I’ve decided that being with a widower is sort of like having two sets of in-laws.  I know we aren’t married yet, but anyway . . . future in-laws.

So I ended up going to Superman’s house on the day the late wife’s family was coming to see Superboy.  I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about being there; I wondered if I should leave before they arrived and I was pretty nervous.  They were originally supposed to come for lunch, but they called and asked if they could come around 3:30.  I don’t know why they wouldn’t take every opportunity to spend time with Superboy and come earlier in the day, but I probably shouldn’t go there.  Superman’s parents leave in the late afternoon to go back, so essentially they were only going to get an hour with Superboy.

Well, time ticked on, and they didn’t arrive until 4.  Superman’s mom, always the peacekeeper, was even getting a little irked that they were not making more of an effort to see Superboy.  They hadn’t spent time with him in 2 months - and then only have a half an hour with him?

So when they arrived, Superman’s parents and I kind of hung back a little so that Superboy would actually go to them instead of just running to us.  I brought Superboy towards the front door, and he hung back and was pretty shy.  His aunt picked him up after a few minutes and he began to cry.  Her daughter (who is 4) started saying over and over “He’s crying because he misses his mom!”  I’ve never had such ill will towards a 4 year old, even though I know she probably doesn’t know what she’s saying!!!  I almost wanted to go over there and take him and say, “No, he’s crying because he doesn’t know you!”  But of course I didn’t.

After she said it twice I went out to water the flowers.  I couldn’t stay outside because I ran out of things to do, so I went inside and just hung back and talked with Superman’s dad.  I felt so awkward being there.  They said hi to me, but I felt like an outsider.

After a half an hour, we said goodbye to Superboy and Superman’s parents, but the late wife’s family stayed.  They were all standing outside, chatting it up with Superman.  While I’ve known them for years, I’ve definately felt distanced since I started dating Superman.  Superman’s late wife came up in various ways, of course, making me feel even more like an outsider.  I just stood there for a while, saying nothing.  And then since we were all standing by the flower bed, I knelt down and picked some of the weeds I was noticing.  I then gave some excuse about getting bitten by mosquitoes to go inside because I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.

But on the positivie side, they were nice to me.  There were no major blow ups.  Not bad for my first time really being present while they’ve been around.  What was rough was just my feeling of not wanting to be in the conversation when they were talking to Superman.  And also just feeling like they are notmy family so I don’t want to act like they are.  I will let Superboy spend time with them and deal with it for his sake, but I’m not related to them!

So for the other set of in-laws, the ones who really are going to be my in-laws. . .

We were talking about Superman’s grandmother needing to move in with his parents.  His mother insisted that he was going to take care of her when she was old (even though she was complaining about her mother moving in temporarily.)  Superman made some joke about us not doing anything for her, and she turned to me and said, “Well ______ (late wife) promised she would take care of me and cook for me.  You inherited that!”  I just smiled and continued to play with Superboy, trying to figure out how to respond.  I swallowed my knee jerk reaction of asserting that I am my own woman, as my relationship with his parents is so new, and I think she would’ve gotten really upset.  As a social worker - I know it’s all about building repoir before the real confrontation comes out! 

So it was kind of a rough day for me.  Superman and I talked about it after everyone left.  He confided its hard on him too.  He feels like everyone is fighting for a piece of his son.  He said that the late wife’s mother now wants him for a week, but has only spent about 4 hours total with him in 3 months.  She doesn’t know him well enough to care for him. 

This is going to take some time to get used to all of this and figure out how to assert myself while maintaining peace.