Oversight

One of the ideas I’ve been turning over in my mind is that so often early in a relationship the focus is on widower issues.  It’s easy to be consumed with it. Now, nearly 4 years into the relationship (almost 3 years of marriage), I’ve realized that the focus on these issues may lead to one overlooking issues the relationship can bring or conditions that impact day to day life.

For example:  I was so focused on being the “2nd wife” and becoming a mother I totally overlooked how Superman’s disability status would affect our day to day living.  I’m much more affected by him waking up in pain than the fact he lost a wife.

He did not even remember that his wedding anniversary would have been this week if she had been alive.

So to end my musings…

If widower issues are consuming your thoughts, what might you be overlooking?  Are you truly compatible? Does he treat you with love and respect?  Do your visions align?  Are you headed in the same direction?

Just some questions to ponder.

Rhythm interrupted

Most of my days pass with the rhythm of life and I don’t remember I am the wife of a former widower. (Maybe that’s why I am such an inconsistent blogger.) However, in the rhythm of day after day, week after week, blissful moment to blissful moment, like a bird gracefully flying and then . ..

Thud. The bird flies straight into the window and falls to the ground stunned.

Every now and then I figuratively fly into the window and take moments to recover before I can fly back to my routine.

Today I had a momentary stunning experience. In my head, I know my husband loves me and thinks of me. When I think I see evidence otherwise its disheartening.

Today I saw that he had posted a link about advanced research that very possibly could be a cure to the cause of late wife’s death. True to form, my mind started its marathon:

Did he stumble upon this or does he search out this type of information?

How did he feel when he read it? Sad that it wasn’t around it time to save her?

Does he miss her today?

If he misses her, where does that leave me?

I typically read too much into any situation possible, and Superman is not good at expressing emotions, although he is getting better. So asking him any of the above outrightly would likely end in disaster. Maybe I’ll comment about it in casual conversation and see what happens.

In the meantime, my mind is resting. I’m choosing not to run that marathon today.

My Apologies

Hello readers!

I have been away for quite some time.  In April I gave birth to my beautiful daughter who is now with the Lord in heaven.  Needless to say, the journey of pregnancy and loss didn’t allow for much time or energy to write.

So many comments have expressed thankfulness for this blog, I’m glad it has helped you!  I hope to do better in the future to continue to provide this as a public forum for comments and sharing of experiences.

My apologies, I hope you all are blessed and well!

 

The Third Anniversary of her death

I made it through late wife’s death anniversary without realizing the day was here. I realized it only today when I saw her sister’s Facebook status memorializing her.

So 3 years have passed. I’m glad that nothing in Superman’s attitude reminded me yesterday was an important day, but I was not with him for much of it due to my work schedule. I don’t know how much it affected him and that bothers me. I wish I knew. We exchanged a few test messages today. I told him I just realized what yesterday was and asked him if he was ok. He said that time flies, and that he made it through, so that means he’s ok.

In my head I thought, what kind of an answer is that?!?! He made it through so he’s ok? He was even more happy than usual to see me when I got home yesterday. Without making this blog rated only for adults, let’s just say he wanted a lot of attention. So he gave me no sign of struggle, but was he anxious to be intimate with me due to thinking of her? I wish that question never even came to my mind.

I know he loves me, he is attracted to me, and he has never tried to make me her. So why do these questions still come to my head?

I hate that many of the significant dates happen in October. I love fall so much, and at times, these emotional issues just take too much. They found out she was sick with luekemia again in October. Their wedding anniversary was in October. She died in October. So why on earth did we decide to get married in October? Our anniversary is coming up on the 24th, after all of these other significant dates are done.

On the positive side, this anniversary was easier than ones in the past. It can only continue to get better, right?

The first question

I knew the time was coming: the day my son would start asking about his birth mother.

We were sitting around the dining room table and had just finished up dinner when he came over to give me a hug.  He looked up at me and asked, “Are you going to turn into Momma Dina?”  I was so surprised, I asked him to repeat the question.  He used to call her momma and identified her in pictures, and that was the extent of what he would say.  He is almost 4.  Recently he spent the weekend with his maternal grandmother, aunt, and cousins.  His older cousin calls the late wife “Auntie Dina”, so I’m assuming he had a conversation with his cousin and that’s why he called her that.

I answered him and said, “No, Mommy is going to stay mommy just like you are going to stay you.”  That was enough for him and after his hug he kept moving.

Superman and I chatted about it and he wondered if he saw the big painting of him and his mother at his grandmother’s house where his birth mother is bald.  He may have been asking if I was going to lose my hair.  I discussed the importance of only answering the question presented by Superboy – if we try to force too much on him he won’t understand.  Questions show how much his little brain is ready for (although he is very smart, I’m guessing the next question won’t be far off!)

I’m so glad I didn’t react or attach more to his question than what it meant.  This journey may not be as hard as I feared.