the cost of marrying a widower
Posted by: Author on: May 15, 2009
In some of my research on being a wife of a widower, one topic that I don’t believe has gotten a lot of press is the financial impact of the tragedy they endured, especially if the late wife passed from a sickness. While the economy seems to be on everyone’s mind lately, I think many women may fail to realize the extent that a widower’s life may be affected above and beyond our current recession.
Superman’s late wife was sick with cancer on an off for 6 years, and at times with no medical coverage. We still get letters and bills from pharmacies and lawyers of unpaid debt. He went back to work too soon after her death, only taking 2 weeks off. When he returned to work he could not focus and made many mistakes. About 7-8 months after she passed, Superman lost his job. One day they discovered a mistake that was a final straw and they sent him home within the hour. He spent some time unemployed (while we were dating) and gained new employment only to lose it 2 months after our marriage, which also happened to be right before Christmas.
Currently he has a promise of a financial advisor job. However, after seeing his credit that was devastated by all these medical bills, they have had to request a special allowance from a faraway corporate office. This office hasn’t gotten back to us for 3 months. He has written a letter explaining his circumstance with his late wife and that it wasn’t due to his own negligence, but now it seems uncertain if they will accept his explanation or not.
Needless to say, this puts a lot of stress on a 6 month marriage. He receiveds some disability payments as he was discharged from the Air Force 10 years ago due to a back injury, but I am the only income earner and we still own the condo I lived in before I married him. The house we live in has been in and out of foreclosure over the last 6 months. The week I had my miscarriage, our electricity got shut off 3 days after our ER visit. We only got it back on by giving the electric company our mortgage payment.
The financial state of our family has sent my husband into a depression. We aren’t dealing with grief or him pining after his late wife. Her presence is felt in a very different way. He has lost hope, and we talk very little these days. He was supportive for several days after the miscarriage, but having our power shut off pushed him over the edge. He’s withdrawn and he seems to have given up on trying to make things better. It’s to the point that we do not even seem to be like friends anymore, we just happen to live together. When I return from work, sometimes Superboy is still in his pajamas and Superman hasn’t showered. It’s hard to leave for work knowing that my husband’s mental state is so low.
I’ve been praying for a miracle. That is what it is going to take to heal my husband, and to get our family on course again. And I believe that with God, all things are possible.
Another Loss
Posted by: Author on: May 12, 2009
Another reason I had not been posting much over the last few months is because I was pregnant. Yes, was. At the end of April I miscarried my first child at approximately 12 weeks.
The pregnancy had been rather difficult from the beginning. Almost as soon as we realized I was pregnant, I began spotting. So after several tests, ultrasounds, and worried nights, the doctors determined the baby was ok. They assured me many women bleed in their first trimester. One of the most magical moments was when the baby was about 6-7 weeks, we saw and heard his heartbeat. It’s somewhat weird being a mother, but not ever having carried a baby inside me. The process my body was going through was just amazing to me. As crazy as it may sound I was starting to feel like I was going to be a real mother.
Then the bleeding intensified. I called a nurse in a panic, she advised me to take it easy and said bluntly, “At this point, whatever’s happening is happening, you can’t do anything to change it.” Still I hoped for the best. The next day it got worse and I told my husband we were going to the ER.
Because of Superman’s late wife battling cancer and being in and out of the hospital, I’ve always hated the idea of bringing him to the hospital or doctor, almost fearing it would trigger something in him. As we sat eating breakfast before we left for the ER, the look on his face made my heart sink. I asked him what he was thinking. He said, “I don’t want to go through this again.” He had lost a baby with his late wife. I almost decided to go the ER alone, but we headed out the door with Superboy in tow and went to the same hospital he lost his first child at.
I went through a painful physical exam and then an ultrasound. I hated that they wouldn’t let me see the screen. I just wanted to see my baby. We waited and waited for the doctor to return to give the results.
Even writing this two weeks later is difficult. After he said that the baby only measured at 6 weeks and there was no cardiac activity I don’t remember much else. I know I started sobbing and my husband moved closer to me to try to comfort me. Superboy kept asking, “What’s wrong with mommy? Why’s mommy crying?” After signing some papers we headed out the door.
Superman was incredibly supportive, he offered to call my mother as I didn’t want to talk at all. He really was amazingly strong and supportive those first few days. It’s having more of an effect on him now, I’ll elaborate in future posts.
I don’t know if other WOWs have experienced this, but somehow I thought I’d be immune to some of these loses myself. As if since my husband already lost a wife (and a baby) that God wouldn’t put him through it again. I guess miscarriages aren’t like lightning. They can strike in the same place twice.
My first Mother’s Day
Posted by: Author on: May 11, 2009
Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has been a whirlwind as I adjust to married life, being a mommy, and all that has come along with it. Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for many who are with a widower or former widower, so I thought I’d squeeze in the time to share my story.
A few days ago, the mother of my husband’s late wife made a point of wishing me a happy mother’s day. She told me that I was a good mother to Superboy and she thanked me for all that I was doing for her grandson. A while back, our relationship had been really strained, so it’s wonderful progress that she is going out of her way to wish me a happy mother’s day. She recently finished painting a portrait of Superboy as a baby with his mother. She showed it to me (and posted a picture on Facebook). When Superboy saw it he said, “that’s momma!” and kept playing. He’ll be three is July and he always identifies pictures of her as momma, and he calls me mommy. Some day I think it will click in his mind and we are going to have to answer a lot of questions.
A few weeks ago, Superboy was informing me that I was not his mother. In my mind I began to panick and think, oh my goodness, this can’t be happening so soon! He can’t be denying me as his mother as such a young age! He’s got to be at least 7 or 8 before this issue arises! He went on to inform me that I was his mommy, not his mother 
. So I almost had an enormous overreaction becasue of the weird way preschoolers understand the English langugage!
Months ago, Superman had told me that he and Superboy would go to the cemetery on Mother’s Day to honor her as his birth mother and that she was his mother for the first year of his life. He ended up not going. After we went out to eat the whole family laid down for a nap and he didn’t go. I had been dreading Mother’s Day for that very reason, not wanting to be left alone at the house and feeling like I was getting jipped on Mother’s Day having to share the day with another woman. I know that they may go in the future, but at least for this year it was not an issue I needed to deal with.
Superman told me that I was a special mother, as I have taken on the responsibility of nurturing a child I didn’t birth and I have loved him and cared for him as my own. He seemed particularly thankful for me. I was concerned that the day might bring up old grief issues, but it didn’t.
I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day, and were able to work through the many issues that come up with a holiday such as this.
Christmas with the in-laws
Posted by: Author on: December 21, 2008
So I’ve so far survived the first Christmas with the in-laws. We’ve been here 2 and a half days. It’s interesting, to say the least. When Superman’s brother arrived, he didn’t even say hi to me. And Superboy latches on to Grandma like a lifeboat leaving the Titanic and acts like mommy and daddy are the iceberg.
As for my relationship with them, I know they loved Superman’s late wife, but for the most part they are decent towards me. I feel left out when I am here. Superman’s mother gives attention to Superman’s brother’s girlfriend, making sure she feels comfortable, but minimally makes attempts towards me.
I must say though, I was very touched by a gesture of his father. Superman was outsourced from his job a little under two weeks ago. We hadn’t told his family until we arrived here for Christmas. While my husband ran out to the store, his dad came and gave me a check for $500, and started tearing up saying his son always seemed to be so down on his luck and it didn’t seem fair. He told me to let them know if we needed anything, and not to wait until it got too late (ie electric shut off). He’s a tough guy, was in the marines, yet to see him tear up about his concern for his son and to reach out to me . . . well, it almost made me cry. He also gave me a hug at the wedding when my mother-in-law was so enraptured by Superboy she barely said a thing.
On the other hand, they let Superboy get away with everything, even though we as his parents try to set boundaries while we are visiting. They let him grab a ceramic ornament that he dropped and broke, luckily he didn’t cut himself. They also let him play with the phone and he dialed 911 and the police showed up here. They also kept him up until 11:30. We told them he needed to go to bed, and because of the sleeping arrangements here, there is only room for him in their room. So he doesn’t go to sleep and is incredibly crabby. He threw up yesterday and needs his rest, but they don’t listen to what we believe he needs to do to take his nap. Sometimes it feels like I’m living out one of those nanny shows on television.
There have been some improvements. We played cards for a while yesterday and we almost resembled a normal family for a while. I’m looking forward to going home so I can have my son back. Since his grandmother had him for a year, he latches on to her and shuns his mommy and daddy. At times I feel like I need to birth a child to have a positive motherhood experience (and we plan to have one in the future). It just hurts sometimes. I know he’s 2, and he’s had a LOT of changes in his life, and it will get better. I just look forward to the day we feel less like a blended family and more like a seamless family.
We gave Superman’s parents a digital photo frame, and he loaded a bunch of pictures of Superboy on it. We got it plugged in and wouldn’t you know the first picture that pops up is one of the late wife holding Superboy. Superman’s mom teared up and reached out to hold Superboy immediately. I felt really uncomfortable. For our first Christmas here, and their second Christmas since she passed, I know it could have been much worse.
It’s just going to take time until I feel like I’m part of this family. I’m looking forward to Christmas with my family next week. Currently we are snowed in at my in-laws. Hopefully the plows work their magic soon so we can get home!
7 weeks into marriage
Posted by: Author on: December 15, 2008
So we got married on October 24th! You haven’t heard from me because it’s been insanely busy as I adjust to becoming a wife, a mother, and my commute changed from being 25 min to 45 min-1 hour one way.
I must say that things are going pretty well. We are having our moments here and there….but it’s understandable with all the adjustments. His being a widower hasn’t been factoring into our relationship. I think we’ve reached a phase of where most of what we deal with is related to the former in-laws and his family. So for those of you struggling with the widower issues – there is hope! There can be periods of rest from the issues!
For example, last month his late wife’s mother asked for their Christmas tree. I guess she had given it to them several years ago, and now she wanted it back. So we gave it to her even though we’d been planning to use it. She has periodically been asking for things back. It’s annoying.
So for my loyal readers, I thank you. I’m going to try to write more regularly. Recently my priority has been spending all my time with my new son and ensuring that transition goes well, and then giving as much as I can to my husband. Not much time to go around when you work full time with a commute like mine.
I’ve added a few pictures. This is something I haven’t done as I’ve tried to protect my anonymity! So here’s two from the wedding that should still keep things ok.
on days like today
Posted by: Author on: October 6, 2008
As I have so wonderfully observed, I usually only turn to this blog when I need to vent. My lack of writing means that things have been going well, and, well……busy. Here’s a summation:
Premarital counseling continued, great progress made! Superman and I took a day trip to the lake and had the greatest time. Superboy moved home and is calling me “mommy” and has been attaching well. I love that boy so much. We discovered a caterpillar the other day. He calls it a “at-perd” since he can’t say caterpillar. It warms my heart to hear him call me mom. But moving along…things have been going well….
And then this weekend happened. Superman’s parents came to visit. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. They were the ones who had cared for Superboy for the last year. Frankly, I believe they spoil Superboy and are only attached to him because they have no love in their own lives. A two year old gives attention to the one who feeds him, so thus they feel loved. Not exactly a healthy relationship.
We’ve talked and talked about it. How they are too negative. How they spoil Superboy. How they do not support Superman. How they guilt-trip him. How they do not agree with our religious beliefs. How manipulative they are.
However, he still felt obligated to let them come and see Superboy since they cared for him. I am of the belief that he doesn’t owe them anything. If anything, them helping out with Superboy was the least they could do after the abusive childhood Superman endured.
Yet he still feels guilted into giving in to them. And I am somewhat concerned that he still welcomes them into his home when he says he doesn’t agree with them. And even though they are nice to me, I know they don’t approve of us moving forward with the relationship any time soon. Why would he welcome someone like that around, even if it is your own parents?
To add insult to injury: today would have been his and his late wife’s wedding anniversary. He’s not answering my calls.
So after a crappy future in-laws weekend of negativity, I can’t reach him on the phone. And all I want to do is hug him. I love that man so much it hurts. Is it tough when he has days like this? YES. But I love him anyway and I know that the grief cycle will get less and less painful. Anniversaries are hard. I can’t fault him for a bad day or two when the rest of the time he is a very loving person towards me.
So, just needed to vent. I’ll do my best to actually post when things are going well, but no promises!!
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